today, april 26, is administrative professional’s day a/k/a secretary’s day. like defense secretary rumsfeld, i eagerly await the shower of prizes and recognition that will surely come my way as ASC executive secretary.

let me assure you that administrative professional’s day is no hallmark holiday. the wikipedia entry lists the standard gifts as candy, flowers, a card, and “occasionally, extra time off.” this will not stand. i work too hard typing minutes to be placated by a vermont teddy bear.

i’ve been secretary since 2003, so i have some expertise in this area. let me propose the following officially approved administrative professional’s day gifts:

1. an extension cord for my laptop so i can sit at the big table
2. a large quantity of small-batch bourbon
3. a significant clothing allowance
4. comp me a couple nights at the conference hotel. club level, please
5. a secretary’s secretary who would perform all actual work and work-like duties
6. a personalized stainless-steel ice-cream scooper
7. i guess i wouldn’t mind a few flowers, candy, and cards

i fly to philadelphia today and state college on thursday, so i won’t collect my gifts until returning this weekend. the next stop is dc on may 2, when i’ll take rummy out for a little lunch and commiseration.