sexual freedom

I just can’t resist. Here’s one more, from dear friend of GWP Daphne Uviller:

Yesterday I threw together a ham sandwich, some coffee, and a bag of cookies and grabbed my baby boy and hopped in my car to drive two hours each way to pull the lever in my hometown. Currently in exile in suburbia, with McCain signs on either side of me (lovely people, though, I’ll be the first to say), I needed to go vote at the Gay and Lesbian Center in the West Village, my polling place since the moment I turned 18. The line was around the block; we waited 45 minutes and I loved every second. And can I just add, even more than the racial history we made, I’m thrilled that America elected a brilliant, erudite man, instead of someone they wanted to have a beer with. Perhaps the dumbing down of the this once-great nation can yet be stanched. I love Obama. I feel hope. And I feel proud of this nation again.

On a less sanguine note, Daphne’s and my exuberance is today mixed with heartbreak at the news of setbacks for gay and lesbian rights.  The following updates on ballot initiatives come courtesy of Ann from feministing. Writes Ann:

Proposition 8 in California: Passed. This is such a crushing loss. I went to bed last night before the final results were in, and woke up to the news that the people of California actually approved the gay marriage ban. So devastating.

Amendment 2 in Florida: Passed. Yet another gay marriage ban.

Proposition 102 in Arizona: Passed. As Dana noted previously, “Arizona became the first state in the nation to reject an anti-gay marriage amendment in 2006, but they’re likely to pass the measure this year, now that it has been stripped of language that also denied domestic partnership benefits to hetero couples.” Looks like that was the magic change to make bigotry palatable to Arizona voters.

Act 1 in Arkansas: Passed. Now gay couples are unable to adopt or foster-parent children. This from a state with 3700 children in the foster-care system, and only 1000 foster homes. Disgusting.

Steps forward, steps back. We have much work to do from here.

The following is this month’s installment of Jacqueline Hudak’s column, Family Stories.  For previous installments, click here. Here’s Jacqueline! -Deborah

Amid the festive Halloween decorations I see the “McCain/Palin” signs on my neighbor’s lawn and resist the sudden intense urge to come back after dark and rip them up.

OK, I think, THAT’S not useful.  Maybe I should just knock on their door, and say, “Hello, and by the way, do you understand what their policies will do to me and my family?”

I am aware of how divisive the campaign has been; at times its hard to even imagine moving beyong the rhetoric of us/them to a real conversation in which I could share with my neighbor the impact of rendering my lesbian family unworthy and invisible. How might I convey the sense of grievance when we have been made ‘other?’  And yet, I want to hold a passionate position about the influence of McCain policy on my family without demonizing McCain himself. Or my neighbor.

What we do with these feelings was addressed for me last weekend, when  I attended a workshop on “Forgiveness” with Dr. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good and Director of The Stanford University Forgiveness Project. His premise, that holding onto anger and grudges is bad for physical and emotional well being, is backed by a growing body of research.  Studies conducted at Stanford reveal that people who are more forgiving report feeling less stressed and fewer health problems, and people who blame others for their troubles have higher incidences of illess such as cardiovascular disease.

Dr. Luskin asked the participants to write something we were unable to forgive – our grievance story.  You know, the one  that can play endlessly in your head about the time you were wronged, the one you still get all charged up over. We were then asked to describe our thoughts, feelings and actions in relation to the grievance stories. This simple exercise was powerful in providing clarity about long held, repetitive patterns of thought and behavior that simply are not effective. It also opened up space for the grief and hurt beneath the wound. Using meditation and guided visualizations, Dr. Luskin pushed us to change our  “grievance stories, ” to make peace with what is, to shift attention from what’s wrong to what’s right and good. Suffering is normal, he pointed out, and life can be hurtful enough without inflicting further damage by holding onto grudges.

As a family therapist, I see what a powerful tool forgiveness can be. Family legacies can be built entirely around a grievance story, and the goal of therapy is often to rewrite the story as one of strength and resilience.  I do need to be careful about applying some of these principles without a larger contextual lens; for example, I don’t think women and men approach relationship in the same ways, and women might tend to ‘forgive’ too easily for the sake of maintaining the relationship. And if I, a white woman, can summon an interpersonal grievance with such ease, imagine the experience of women of color who, frankly, have a lot more to forgive in the face of institutional racism. The goal, it seems, would be to exist someplace between forgiveness and compassion while working to eradicate injustice.  A spiritual practice indeed.

One of my favorite lines from Luskin’s worshop was this: “How do we fill the gap between what we wanted and what we have?”

I will think about that, post-November 4th, as I fill the gap between what I hoped for this election season, and what I get. I will be profoundly disappointed if this country elects the McCain/Palin ticket.  I desire a leader who can embrace the complexities of an issue, as Obama has done relative to race.  And whatever happens, I hope we all end the divisive us/them rhetoric and fill the gaps with forgiveness.

–Jacqueline Hudak

Elaine Lafferty, former editor of Ms. magazine and a Democrat, has been on Palin’s plane (EDIT: as a paid consultant) since soon after she was nominated and has offered a defense of the intelligence, feminism, and confidence of Palin in a piece at The Daily Beast titled “Sarah Palin’s a Brainiac.”

Of course this has created some furor in the feminist world, so here are my two cents. While Palin seems to have hit more of a stride now, all of her early exhibitions of intellectual work and curiosity showed someone unprepared for the job of VP, someone who had never thought about issues beyond the Alaskan borders, and someone who showed a lack of intellectual curiosity. Elaine may see someone different on the plane, but the public decides based on what they’re given access to, and their access to Palin has been minimal and, in the beginning, unsettling.

The other issue here is “What Is Feminism.” I believe that Palin thinks she is working for women–and to a certain extent her candidacy is good for feminism, forcing conservatives to support a powerful female candidate. Of course, we’ll see what the narrative on her “ability” and “intelligence” turns out to be after the election, when, if McCain loses, his camp may turn on her. Clearly in her own personal life, she has shown moxie and a great deal of confidence (over-confidence in taking on a job she wasn’t really ready for yet?).

Personally, I would call a woman who designates herself a feminist and who currently supports women’s progress in many areas of social/economic/political life, but not a woman’s right to choose, a feminist. I’m not sure who has the right to give or take that designator away, and I don’t think there’s a real point in fighting over the moniker itself. However, I do think we need to determine what is a viable feminism .

In our era, a woman, like any man, will have to work hard to achieve her desired social and economic standing. At the same time she has the right to a private sexuality. As a result, she may choose to prevent pregnancy or abort if pregnancy occurs at an undesired time, a time which will prevent her from achieving the social/economic independence and power that Palin claims women have a right to go after. Reproductive choice is today inherently tied into women’s status, and thus Palin’s feminism, a feminism that does not give a woman that right to choose, is not a viable feminism for our age.

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Now this is just the kind of blog action/activism that makes our hearts sing over here.

Join bloggers around the country and around the world tomorrow to blog in support of marriage equality for same-sex couples and against California’s Proposition 8! It’s Write to Marry Day.

The event will give bloggers a chance to voice their opposition to Prop 8 and highlight what they may have already done, online or off, to stop the measure. The campaign will also educate California voters of the need to “go all the way” down the ballot to vote on the proposition.

We’ve got some posts of our own in store, but if any GWP readers are interested in sharing their ink with us tomorrow, please feel free to submit your wares!

Thanks to our own Gwen B for the heads up, and to Mombian for organizing.