For the first time in my voting life, I’m torn. In five days, I’ll need to pull a lever in a New York Democratic Primary that matters. And I don’t know what to do. I want to vote for Hillary. I want her to be electable. She moves me. And so does Barack. I like much of what both of them stand for. I want to speak out publicly for one of them. But who?

Every day this week feels heavy with meaning and momentum. Take yesterday. My Wednesday begins with the forum I created for More magazine (“If Hillary Wins…”) going live. On my way to the luncheon to celebrate Susan Morrison’s new book 30 Ways of Looking at Hillary, scrambling for a public place with wireless so I can email the contributors and broadcast the news, I end up in the great phallic palace, Trump Tower.

At mid-day comes the parmasean emulsion, served up at the restaurant Daniel along with brilliance from Susan Morrison and a number of the contributors to her anthology. Between walnut-crusted fish filet and hot chocolate upside down cake, and chats with Leslie Bennetts and Leslie Savan, I jot down the following:

Among the many comments that served as impetus for Morrison’s book, she says, there’s this one: “I’d sooner vote for a ticket of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan that pull the lever for Hillary.” Gross. “I take Hillary personally, too personally,” writes Jane Kramer in the book. Yes, and don’t we all? Letty Cottin Pogrebin, repeating a sentiment oft overheard, notes “Hillary is Presidential, Obama is inspirational; it depends what you’re looking for.” Judith Thurman feels “Hillary is using her husband’s credit card.” Sorry, I don’t buy it. Susan Morrison: “Clearly, we haven’t all collectively figured out what we want from a woman leader.” Personally, I couldn’t agree more.

The day ends with my beloved Only Child coeditor (now a novelist!) sending out her “First and Last Political Email,” voicing her support for Hillary.  “Dear Friends,” Daphne writes:

I’m choosing to be thrilled that we have two such qualified candidates vying for the Democratic nomination, and in November I plan to fully throw my support behind whoever is nominated, as I’m sure will all of you (unless I’ve accidentally sent this to Republicans).

That said, I agree with the NYTimes: inspiring plans to start anew and beautiful rhetoric aside, I believe Hillary Clinton is the most qualified to hit the ground running next January. I’ve wavered on my support of her because, though her campaign keeps talking about experience, I’ve never been educated on the nitty-gritty details. So I was happily surprised to receive a quick and impressive rundown recently by one of her full-time volunteers.

I’ve gone through her website and weeded out all the promises and plans, which any candidate can persuasively and confidently lay out. Instead, I’ve highlighted her actual concrete accomplishments. Attached is a brief cheat sheet for anyone who, like me, is leaning toward Hillary, but can’t articulate why.

Feel free to delete it, or to continue your passionate campaigns for Obama, as I know many of you are, and with great reasons. Please don’t reply to this e-mail, and know that I will not send another political e-mail until 2012 (hopefully, not til 2016). I hope I haven’t stepped on any toes.

If anyone would like the cheat sheet, email me (my email’s at the bottom of the blog) and I’ll pass it on. And ok, Girl with Pen, embarrassment of riches notwithstanding, it’s time to take a stand. Stay tuned.