Traditional norms of feminine behavior encourage women to pledge sexual abstinence before marriage, instilling values of female sexual innocence and purity. In contrast, these norms suggest male sexual activity before marriage legitimizes their masculinity. Men who choose to abstain from sexual activity until marriage remain largely unexamined. In 2008, Ph.D. sociology candidate Sarah Diefendorf studied a male abstinence support group called The River to explore male beliefs about sexuality and masculinity in relation to sexual abstinence. Diefendorf discussed her findings in a recent Huffington Post article.
Men within The River used the group as a support network to resist various forms of sexual temptation, including masturbation, pornography, and same-sex attraction. While the resistance of sexual desires often proved difficult, these men believed that by waiting for sex, an act they believed God deemed sacred, they would enjoy fulfilling sex lives as married men. And by sharing their struggles with sexuality, the men in the group still “reinforce the norm that they are highly sexual men, even in the absence of sexual activity.”
During interviews conducted three years later, Diefendorf discovered that most of the men were still wrestling with their sexual urges even now that they were married. They no longer had a peer support network holding them accountable and did not feel comfortable speaking to their female spouses, since their group as taught that women are nonsexual.
Diefendorf explained, “After 25 years of being told that sex is something dangerous that needs to be controlled, the transition to married (and sexual) life is difficult, at best, while leaving men without the support they need. Women, meanwhile, are often left out of the conversation entirely.”
Comments 1
Nathan — October 23, 2015
I wanted to draw attention to the image attached to this article. As the subjects of the article base their attempt at abstinence on their faith, it would appear as though (by attaching such an image) that you intend to mock them as stupid or ignorant.
Do you think they don't understand what sex is, so much so they need and instructional kit? I doubt it. I think the use of the image goes a bit deeper than that. As a social scientist, one ought be concerned for their own objectivity so as tne ensure their studies and findings can be upheld as reasonable and free of bias. What does the use of that image say about your bias toward the study subjects?
Below is my earlier reply to CJ Pascoe's previous link to this same article. I was a student of her's at U.C. Berkeley and highly respect her work. The point I think I was trying to make was that this article accomplishes something much like a bias, corporately-owned media outlet does when they broad-brush portray people of a certain faith by only citing the behaviors of a very, very small group of alleged practitioners of said faith (ex: muslim terrorists vs practitioners of Islam).
"As a man who could easily have been substituted for one of these 15 study subjects, I see a significant incongruence with the findings as stated and the her conclusion(s). The goal of entering marriage as a virgin has to do with religious belief. Methods are employed to achieve that goal (The River), but those same methods/practices must be continued after marriage if one's aim is to remain in accordance with their Christian faith. Marriage, while providing a sanctioned sexual outlet for desire, does not resolve or erase sexual attraction or desire to/for others. The conversation (no pun intended) must continue. I don't see anyone in this study replacing healthy discussion about sex with just the practice of abstinence, in fact it seems (within the confines of their faith-based lens) they are trying to discuss and encourage a healthy sexual appetite rather than one fueled by lust and pornography (which can soundly be argued as violence against women that brutally reinforces many ugly elements of masculinity).
Admitting to a continued struggle with "beastly" sexual desire after entering marriage is not a failure for any Christian man; it is a badge of honor that shows we'd rather be open and get help than suffer alone and undermine the unity and sanctity of our marriage. If these 15 study subjects entered into marriage with an expectation that sex with their wife would leave them always satisfied and never again tempted to lust or view pornography, that is an ignorance beyond measure. Abandoning the support structure is a failure of the subjects to understand (or remain committed to) the ongoing battle to remain in accordance with their Christian faith as a married man. Abstinence before marriage is A goal (for Christians), but it is not anywhere near the finish line.
I must disagree with the assertion that abstinence disadvantages its participants and undermines relationships. Of course, if it is held as a solitary goal that once achieved the holder believes they will be relieved of any future struggle, then yes, theres a problem. But not with the practice, but with the practitioner."