Reposted with permission from the blog of Chinyere Osuji.
When I was studying at Harvard in the early 2000s, I had a black immigrant professor who had built part of his career gas-lighting anti-black discrimination in favor of 1990s-style black cultural inferiority tropes. My grad school girlfriends and I awkwardly giggled over “the sex parts” of his book on black assimilation. He cited statistics saying that black women did not perform oral sex as often as white women, making them less desirable sexual partners. Sexual incompatibility on this sex act was part of the motor driving black men to date interracially more than black women. I was struck by how he ignored scholarship showing how white women are lauded as the essence of beauty, domesticity, and ideal womanhood. Instead, in a reversal of the Jezebel stereotype, he explained this race-gender imbalance as due to black women being prudes. I remember that when we stopped laughing, we speculated on which black woman might have hurt him and whether this was scholarly revenge porn against black women. We also questioned how his much paler wife felt about this discussion.
Over a decade later, I noticed the increasing popularity of a similar dynamic: “Black women need to be more open!”
How many black women have heard this in reference to our dating and marriage prospects?
Black women’s inability to “open up” to dating non-blacks (presumably whites) was curtailing our attempts at finding long-term love. Oprah even emphasized this point to her best friend, Gayle, trying to convince her to date non-black men. Once more, statistics showing black men being more likely to interracially marry were used to show how our actions were deficient.
According to the US Census, close to 90% of all marriages take place within the same ethnic or racial group, with whites being the least likely to inter-marry. However, black women’s intra-racial preferences, not anti-blackness and misogynoir, were the cause of our lower likelihood for marriage in comparison to other similarly situated women.
Research by demographers shows that most non-black men, even those open to interracial dating, discriminate against black women in their online dating profiles. At the 2018 American Sociological Association annual meeting, Belinda Robnett (UC-Irvine) presented research showing white men were open to dating black women for interracial sex, but not interracial dating. Together, their studies suggested that, as in all pairings, it takes two to tango and, unless it is solely horizontally, black women indeed have better odds at finding long-term romantic partnerships with black men.
In my book, Boundaries of Love: Interracial Marriage and the Meaning of Race, I conducted over 100 interviews with people in black-white couples in Los Angeles and Rio de Janeiro. I had the privilege of listening to men and women across racial pairings share the monotony, excitement, struggles, and joys of being married to a person on the other side of the ethnoracial hierarchy. Almost all couples seemed content in their relationships. Several were parents navigating how to raise children who were comfortable with the black, white, multiracial, and multi-ethnic sides of their extended families.
One thing that struck me about the black women whom I interviewed was how several of them complained about their white husbands who “just didn’t get it.” As people on the top of gender, racial, and often class hierarchies, these white men often could not make sense of the privileges they accrued in a society that fought very hard to occlude them. The work often fell on their black wives to teach them how they navigated the world as white middle class men. A few white husbands were “woke” to these dynamics. When I interviewed them individually, we laughed about their couple tactic of wives “tagging” them for interactions with customer service representatives and other outsiders. This strategy ensured that they used their race and gender privileges for the good of the family. Still, black women in other relationships described the emotional labor of explaining intersections of disadvantage to their oblivious white husbands.
I asked all of the husbands and wives about their experiences in their “romantic career”— how they understood their desires for spousal characteristics through prior romantic experiences. Unlike the white women whom I interviewed, black women in both Los Angeles and Rio de Janeiro described the slights and microaggressions that they had experienced in the past. Several admitted to having been the “black girl in the closet” to nonblack men they had dated. For example, Lana was a 35-year old black woman whom I interviewed in Los Angeles. She recalled a previous relationship with a white guy when she was in college.
Lana: …. I don’t think he ever told his grandparents, for example, that I was black. And when he told a group of his friends… they were like, “Oh what does your girlfriend look like?” and he kind of described me and was like “Dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin.” They were kind of like “What?” and it was very like “Oh…” like very, very surprised I guess. So there was definitely some of that and it was kind of difficult for me that if the relationship had gotten more serious that I was gonna have to worry about his family would perceive me or if they’d have – obviously they would have had a problem with me if they’d met me…. just because of me being black. Not his parents but his grandparents because I had met his parents and I got along really great [with them] actually, but I think he was worried his grandparents just wouldn’t be very tolerant.
Lana’s story was similar to several black women that I interviewed in Los Angeles and Rio de Janeiro. Like Lana, some black wives saw these experiences as a tactic that their previous white boyfriends used to protect them from anti-black relatives or to avoid white shock. Several black women were surprised at how long it had taken them to meet the friends and families of their white husbands. None of the white wives in either setting described similar experiences with previous same- or different-race partners. Other black wives, especially in Rio de Janeiro, described prior non-black partners being ashamed to be seen with them in public. For obvious reasons, black women who had these experiences expressed discomfort with these previous dynamics.
As Jessie Bernard famously articulated, in every (heterosexual) marriage, there are two relationships: “his” and “hers.” For this reason, it is reasonable to expect that partners were having different experiences in these relationships. When I interviewed white husbands in both places, several described having absolute autonomy to their relationships, both current and past. For them, their relationships were none of anyone’s business. As a consequence, they did not echo their black wives’ sentiments of feeling exceedingly excluded from white family and friend networks before they married. Nevertheless, when white husbands “just did not get it,” it was a source of tension in the relationships.
From a research standpoint, Boundaries of Love shows it is unrealistic and unfair to blame black women for their challenges in finding love when misogynoir is embedded in dating and marriage markets in both the United States and Brazil. In addition, this research shows that interracial dating and marriage may involve its own particular sets of issues. At the same time, since no marriage is without its issues, it also shows that black women can form happy, loving relationships with white men.
On a personal note, as someone who dates black men as well as men of different ethnic and racial backgrounds, being open-minded to love should be a goal for everyone, not just black women. Unfortunately, that is far from our social reality and may decreasingly be the case in the Trump era. Still, when it comes to interracial dating and marriage, it’s time to end arguments of black female deficiency. As Marcyliena Morgan, another black professor at Harvard, advised, it is time to love us or leave us alone.
Comments 4
Pinare — April 12, 2021
I found quite a lot of useful information on your website, https://thesocietypages.org, so I have to thank you for that.
Easter Williams — May 21, 2021
I found this article to be very enlightening. I am a black female who recently started a relationship with a white male. We are both in our 60s and have never dated outside our race. Although our relationship is new we enjoy our time together and look forward to to a meaningful relationship in the future. He is a respectful, considerate man and I feel good about us. I’ll keep you posted on how we navigate the future together. Thanks for setting the record straight. Black women are just as capable of being in quality relationships as any other ethnic group.
Tim Chester — March 31, 2022
Iam a 60 year,old white male, the first time I dated a black lady was 1980 and I met her mother it was okay at first and we had a date at the horse racing track in WVA and my sister was dating a black guy in the Shenandoah Valley, he was a nice guy who my mother met, she thought he was nice but only if he was white. And respectfully after the races at Charles Town my date with my black lady friend we had a fun time watching the horses run, and afterward we stayed at my sisters boy friends apartment and she stayed in the bed room and I slept on the coach. When she got home her Mom got on her case and I was called white trash, when I took her home to meet my Mom and Dad my Dad blew up at me and told us to leave, so that didn't go over good at all so we left.,She told me she ran into a similar situation before with a previous white boyfriend.In 1983 I moved to Baltimore MD and dated a woman of my own race, we married 9 months later and she was on the rebound with a former boyfriend who she still desired and she left me 8 months later had a fling with him and never came back to me to work out the marriage so she wanted to move on to meet someone else so we divorced. Twenty years later I met another black lady at an adult singles group we started to talk and I would pick her up for church on Sundays we married in October 2007 and my parents were already passed on and my siblings didn't make the wedding I had only one relative who came to the wedding a cousin on my Dad's side, who lived in Springfield VA at the time, the main problem my siblings had is that at the time my bride to be had already been through 4 marriages and unless I got a prenuptial agree they were not showing up for the wedding because of those circumstances of possibly losing half of my accumulated assets my brother was in total disagreement my sister was married to a guy who used to race cars and ride motorcycles. But when I sister met her she took her out in a Harley Davidson golf cart and have a private talk my brother and sister in law had shut me out of the room to convince her to be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement.We were married for 7 years and she left me and 2 years later divorced me and is now married to husband number 6, she took nothing from me just left me and divorced me and married another guy.She told me that iam not a leader and iam Co dependent, race wasn't an issue. I've had 2 woman leave me first a white lady then a black lady rejection is no fun, the first wife was on the pill so children wouldn't be an issue, the second wife had grown children from her 1st and 2nd marriages so that wasn't an issue. I still belive in the blessed institution of marriage that GOD has established,people have a free will to make choices.In 1993 I dated a mixed race lady we didn't violate one another but went on many outings, horse races, Civil War renactments and Native American POW WOWS, in 1997 I moved from Baltimore back to Ohio. In Baltimore while single the church I attended were old school and took a dim view on interracial marrying in the church so it wouldn't work there.From 1990 to1992 I had a long distance relationship platonic with a beautiful black lady from Roanoke VA she wanted to keep it platonic but I was smitten I was in Baltimore MD it was mainly over the phone and I met up with her in Roanoke VA by Greyhound,and airplane and stayed at motels,solo respectfully to her and the LORD and we weren't married.She told me she was single and was going to mingle Fast forward to 2022,iam in Alexandria Va now and just this last week end I respectfully met up with a black lady I knew back in 1988 in church we met up on face book and met up at BRIDGEWAY COMMUNITY CHURCH in Columbia MD, next Sunday we will attended CALVARY CHAPEL in Columbia Ellicott City MD for church.
Lefty — September 12, 2022
I am a white male and am blessed to be in love with an amazing, brilliant and beautiful black woman. She has taught me so much and helped change my lens I view the world through.
I knew there was racism and bigotry and systems weren't fair like they should be. But never did I realize the depths white male dominated America had taken to structure and keep it that way. African Americans, especially women, have so many systemic disadvantages in education, employment and aren't given the simple respect that everyone deserves. Black women have amazing courage and perseverance to endure life events that might make whites of both genders give up. You hear some people, mostly whites, say some African American women have an attitude. I believe it's really more of a spirit and strength that is required to endure a world that unfairly gives them two strikes at birth. While I can never know the true pain and frustrations of being black, she has shared and openly discussed articles and feelings about the many tragedies and crimes committed by bigots and sadly, by the very police who are supposed to protect and serve. It's allowed to feel at least some small semblance of the pain she has to put up with and ignore every day. Now I see our nation going backwards with so called conservative values. They should be called america for white control only values the way they are being applied to our so called justice system with new legislation that takes away women's rights, voting rights and I'm sure there's more to follow.
I used to be attracted predominantly to white women. But after getting on a couple of dating sites I found myself being attracted more and more to the African American ladies. I realized what my growing up segregated never allowed me to see or experience. There are just as many beautiful black women who aren't models or movie stars as there are attractive white women. Maybe even more. I pray our nation and this world can experience what I've been blessed to enjoy. Certainly there are cultural differences in black society. Many of these are positives white america could use like closeness of family and respect for your parents, especially your mom. Racism is the white elephant in the room white America doesn't want to talk about or acknowledge. They either don't know or don't want to know the pain and suffering it causes. Education of the truth, horrible acts of hatred and abuse towards blacks and all minorities but also the many amazing contributions like inventions and discoveries they've contributed are critical. We have to stop teaching only feel good history stories in majority white area schools. Plus integration, in neighborhoods, schools, the workplace and especially interracial love, are the greatest opportunities to bring us closer to all Americans being treated equal and having the same rights and privileges. Of course that means eliminating white only privileges. That is the challenge. It starts with acknowledging there is a problem and wanting things, starting with ourselves in white america, to change. Its amazing and wonderful, although there is pain too, to see the world through a clearer lens. I thank my sweetheart and God for blessing me with that opportunity.