I saw this awhile ago, and while I like the woman's message, it strikes me as a bit unrealistic. Sure, some of the problem is that women are pressured to be pretty, but more of it is that they are rewarded for it.

To me, saying I don't want my daughter to be pretty is like saying I want my daughter to have a lower income, be less likely to be employed, to have fewer marriage prospects etc. I wish she'd also said 'I don't want my son to marry a girl who's pretty', but very few people say this, even the most staunch advocates of not judging women by their appearances.

I understand her anger, but her talk is all problems but no solutions. I can yell loud too. Changing thing is different.

My mother use to do the same thing to me - insist I get pimple treatments, try to force me to wear make-up and high heals. But once both I and my little sister rebelled against this, she gave up. And now she goes out of her way to insist that I not get pregnant too early, have a Graduate degree before getting married, that sort of thing.
I believe she realized that, for generations, the women of her family were getting married at 16, 17, 18. And making themselves up for the rest of the world, rather than themselves. They had no self-esteem. And now my Grandmother, Aunts and Mother who all obsessed over looking beautiful in their teens see the young women in their family differently.

First off, something is really bugging me: orthodontia is NOT a freaking cosmetic choice, like clearing up acne scars or getting a nose job to fix a crooked/"too big" nose. Most children who get braces do not get them because their parents want them to "look pretty." I mean, it HAPPENS, but more likely, it's because teeth that are more crooked than a certain very superficial point are likely to lead to painful and potentially disabling issues if they aren't fixed promptly. I recall a friend of mine saying that as a grade-school aged kid, his dentist recommended he get braces. His parents, not taking it seriously ("who cares if his teeth are crooked? If it bothers him that much when he's an adult he can fix it then, it's just a cosmetic imperfection") didn't take the dentist's advice, and late in his teens, instead of being stuck in metal mouth fixtures and a retainer for a couple of annoying years, they had to have VERY costly and painful surgery to break and reallign his jaw, and he was in orthodontia for several years in his adult life, because unlike ignorant people think, it's not about having cute teeth. Had my parents not heeded the dentist's advice, I would have had serious jaw problems by 12, and at 18 when it came time to get my wisdom teeth out, well, it wouldn't have been a swift and mostly painless procedure, I'll tell you that. I DETEST when people talk about braces (as well as contact lenses) as if they're plastic surgery or makeup or crash diets, just invented to foist an arbitrary ideal of beauty on people who have nothing wrong with them.

As for the actual message, it's pretty interesting, and I've noticed it a lot. A friend of mine, who was raised by unusually progressive parents, recently told me "yeah, when I was very young, my parents never told me I was pretty." And I was all poised to gasp and hold her hand and say "that's awful, you ARE pretty." Because usually, when a girl says that, she's talking about deep insecurities that might have been resolved or lessened if her parents had countered bullies who were saying she's ugly. But when my friend explained, she said that her parents did it intentionally, and preferred to pay her compliments like "you've so smart" or "you're so talented" instead, and did say that she was pretty if she asked.

On the other hand, I don't see what's wrong with all of those compliments. Nothing wrong with having a pretty AND a smart daughter; my parents told me I was both, and wanted to instill both an affinity for learning and pride in my appearance as values. But I understand the focus; I see girls in college who will spend 4 hours getting ready to go to a 2-hour long party and not dance because they might mess up their hair, but can't answer basic questions in intro-level classes about the world they live in. It's obvious that their parents told them they were pretty, or at least what they needed to do to become pretty, but they send their daughters to higher education to do....what? Spend 4 years looking for a boy who's going to med school or business school next? Because it also seems like this idea is rooted in not simply the idea that "girls are pretty," but "girls are pretty, boys are smart; for a boy to be successful, he will be smart and have a good job, for a girl to be successful, she will be pretty enough to marry a boy who is smart and has a good job." The idea that a smart, successful man might be attracted to a girl because she is smart (or nice or creative or funny) is out of the question.

"...no child of mine will be contained in five letters."

PRETTY IS SIX LETTERS.

I think part of the complication is that "pretty," just like "attractive" or "fuckable" is all subjective. One person who is absolutely beautiful to one person might not seem attractive to another.

But yet what really makes attraction? Not only is it subjective, but it isn't all about physical appearance. But "pretty"? What is "pretty"?

When being "pretty" becomes the center of a girl's self-image, when whether or not she can be attractive to all these people becomes the most important thing she can do or be, suddenly she is faced with an impossible task. And ESPECIALLY when ideal beauty is practically unobtainable for so many women, as it is in American society. The beauty industry capitalizes on this gap, emphasizing that "no, you're not good enough," "yes, you do need our product," so on and so forth.

It's harmful. It's hurtful. It's impossible. And it is these feelings that Makkai is expressing, the sentiment that this "pretty" was made the center of her world, and she always fell short.

And she never wants her daughter to experience the same.

Can we just bury the fiction that, opinions about appearance being so subjective, the "non-pretty" are just not adhering to the standards of the particular culture they live in? Yes, there are cultures that admire fatness. Yes, different cultures prefer different tones of skin and hair, different eye shape, etc. But nowhere is severe acne--or psoriasis, or eczema--considered a plus, nor are significantly asymmetrical features, nor sparse hair. Some of us would not be considered "pretty" by anyone, but that's OK. Outside appearance isn't an accurate measure of humanity or worth or intelligence or charm.

If we want to reject the tyranny of "pretty," we can't do it by just assigning the word to everyone so that it no longer has meaning. We have to learn to value other qualities more highly.

Pretty is in the eye of the beholder.

Interesting and relevant...

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/03/growing-up-ugly.html

I like the overall attitude here, but I disagree with the main point. Celebrating physical beauty is no worse than celebrating intelligence (which is also largely a matter of genetics and is not always instrumental), and just like we should recognize different kinds of intelligence, we should recognize different kinds of physical beauty. We need to expand our definition of what's beautiful, remove the racism, sizeism, ableism, ethnocentrism, transphobia, etc. We should also quit making fun of people just because they don't meet the standards of beauty- physical appearance is not the only quality worth judging someone on and it's not the most important.

I make my comment without reading the words of others equal struck to do so. I believe the poets passion exists in every woman. I have felt the 'less-ness' more times than I have not. I struggle today with the fight to live my true self versus that that others require me to be. So I am weak, add it to the list. The poet speaks to my core and I am connected forever to her words. She has empowered my sense of truth and I would hope for all who share the experience of her video, to allow themselves an emotional response that is supportive of the inner self.

Love this! Thanks for posting it.

Every woman wants to be beautiful. What she doesn't realize is that she is.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to
be praised."

Stable fulfillment comes when one recognizes that the most important source of self-esteem is not from the recognition and praise of others, but from one's own satisfaction and self-consideration. When you yourself feel that what you are doing and are going to do is worthy, you will hold yourself in high esteem and be happy with yourself.

Jeez, lighten up Francis.