A recent study found that US families have poorer familial relations than other industrialized nations:
Amicable relationships were most prevalent in England, with 75 percent of parents reporting harmonious ties with their grown-up kids. In Spain, 63 percent reported positive relationships, in Germany, 49 percent, and in the United States, 51 percent.
As a fairly new dad, I find this study shudder inducing. Here’s more:
American families were more than twice as likely as those living anywhere else to have so-called disharmonious relationships, or those defined by strong negative feelings, such as disagreement and tension, without any strong positive feelings, including feelings of closeness and amicability.
The study cites differences in health care systems and cultural norms as key driving factors. My first impulse is to problematize this finding. But could we also see this as part of the US’s diversity and dynamism? Could it be that US culture allows individuals to break from their initial social networks to find more diverse or more disparate networks of friends that provide similar social needs to family? Maybe a low rate of “amicable relationships” with immediate family reflects a willingness to be more entrepreneurial in one’s network of relationships. Societies where fidelity to your immediate family is essential might get in the way of a great budding scientist leaving their hometown to pursue their studies.
Having grown up in a tight knit Cuban-American community, I find the emphasis on family to be incredibly comfortable in its familiarity and predictability. I love my family, but I also know people who simple “endure” their family because Latin social norms suggest that one should. I always thought this was an Anglo thing, but it seems the English have a similar allegiance to kin (based on the 75% figure). Perhaps those in the US are more adventurous, and conversely less loyal, than other places?
Cutting oneself off from family might be a way for cultures to innovate, even if your mother is still waiting for you to call!
via Live Science
Comments 16
JihadPunk77 — August 12, 2010
I'm Indian Muslim coming from a culture where family is considered very important. I love my parents and am grateful for their support. I was shocked when one of my (white) friends told me he hasn't called his mother for 3 weeks. when I asked him if he hates her, he said no and insisted he loved her. So I told him to stop wasting time and pick up the phone and call his mother.
Family is important, but individualism is also important. So, in a way, I can understand why some Americans cut themselves off. Sometimes my family suffocates me...
Michael Bishop — August 13, 2010
Great post, interesting study... could you provide a link to the original research?
jose — August 13, 2010
Michael...I fixed the link. It should take you to the write up in LiveScience. I couldn't find a link to the original research from them, but if you contact them, they should be able to help you out.
Nice blog BTW...will add it to my blog roll.
Michael Bishop — August 15, 2010
Thanks Jose, I'll return the favor.
gianni bocchetti — March 22, 2011
No parent is perfect! Espesially after divorce with five, now grown children. They remember the bad times, when things are nor going well for the father. Now they have their own children. In the interim they have gone their own way and one does'nt hear from them in a decade. I think it's born out of the independence that americans experience from the expansion of the west and the establishment of city life. During the second world war families were still close. It was still an immigrant population. That has all changed, mainly for white americans. Lonely parents get on with your lives and forget the past, you can't change it so don't let in change you for the worse.
I don't keep photographs nor the memories! Onward and upward!!
Amy — November 28, 2012
Yeah but many families have chosen their religion and political party in favor of their own family and become volatile with the slightest evidence that the child is different. It becomes a situation where you literally have to lie to "get along" which sort of undermines the whole reason of really being loved.
Charlotte — February 6, 2016
My American mother is a malignant narcissist who has used and tormented me my entire life. My American father is her weak willed enabler, he is just as guilty of the debilitating abuses I have sustained. As a true American, I have no true family.
Sarah — November 16, 2018
You really think that unhealthy parent-child relationships could be a good thing?! You really can say that a child hating their parents, the people who are supposed to support them and meet their emotional needs, is a good thing?! If a child has an unhealthy relationship with their parents, they're much more likely to develop mental disorders like anxiety, depression, bpd, low self esteem, etc. Do you really think that f-ing up children's mental health is ok as long as they grow up to be productive adults? And who says that good relationships with parents will make you less prone to do great things and get on with your life? It seems to me that people who have bad relationships with their parents are less likely to do anything with their lives because they're so depressed. Positive parent-child relationship does not mean overly clingy relationship. It means motivation. It means happiness. It means you have had that support growing up so now you know how to manage life and your emotions better. It is not a good thing that Americans hate their parents.
K — December 21, 2019
I think that's more of a White people thing. Most other cultures family is very important and parents are put on a high pedestal
Sstu — March 14, 2021
You completely ignored the fact that government is the greatest force on the planet driving a wedge between family members. Divide and conquer!
“My Kid Hates Me (A 5 Step Process To Convert This)” | AuX Family Dynamics — May 14, 2021
[…] through body language, or actions. I hate (no pun intended 😆) to be the bearer of bad news, but 50% of Americans hate their parents. Paradoxically enough, though 50% of Americans hate their parents, about 46% of parents say they […]
Hazel — June 23, 2021
In my experience, most families are so dysfunctional that the kid realizes early on that the only way they're going to have a happy, fulfilling life is to get the hell out the second they become legally and financially able.
I just wish there were more resources and support out there for people in their late teens and 20's who are in this position. It's hard to simultaneously try and heal from a childhood filled with abuse, while learning the life skills parents were too screwed up to teach you, while navigating the adult world. It's even harder on firstborns, as they have no older sibling to turn to for advice during this process.
George — August 13, 2021
My mother called me weekly. I didn't call her. I had to get an unlisted phone number.
MiTmite9 — October 15, 2022
My mother was a wonderful person. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I think of her as The Best Mom in the Multiverse. Even when I was young (Jr. High and High School) I knew I was lucky to be raised by one strong loving parent.
Over the years, I have come to realize that the relationship my mother and I enjoyed was a rare one. Out of all the people I have known in my time here on Earth (nearly 7 decades) I can barely name three friends or acquaintances who truly loved and were loved by their parents. Nearly everyone I've ever known couldn't wait to get away from their parents. The terrible stories I've heard. The lack of respect, the mistreatment. When I hear others speak of their parents with such coldness and dislike, I realize I have to hold back from sharing my happy childhood memories. Saying how well-loved I was and how deeply I loved my Mom only makes those people feel like I'm rubbing their noses in how much their own parents did wrong. Sadly, many of those I know still harbor much resentment against their parents' "bad parenting." They never got over it. It really is tragic. ***Thank you, Mom, for being so good to me.***