"What do you tell your girl/boy friends?" sounds like a reasonable question to me, at least coming from a close friend or a parent.

Having experienced enough anger today, I'm just going to ignore the above conversation, and the fact that the first comment on this post is about how trans* folks are wrong to be offended by things they find offensive, invasive, and harmful.

Lisa, I just thought that you would like to know that the word "transgender" is an adjective, not an noun or verb. It's transgender, not "transgendered." I know you usually use proper language around here, so I thought you'd like to know for both this post and for the future.

I can attest from personal experience that people often are asked questions like this and yes, they are incredibly frustrating. Some of these questions in the project could, though not always, be innocuous under the right circumstances, but a lot of them *are* othering and objectifying in just about every circumstance.

Sometimes the speaker isn't consciously to act that way and may be trying to be supportive but that still doesn't change the fact they are behaving in an invasive and offensive manner anyway. It seems like when someone comes out, others don't consider them a person so much as a public figure on display.

Perhaps even worse is the fact that these sort of questions are often and perhaps more often used as a shaming tactic. For instance, the first and last ones strike me as particularly cruel in nature. The original speakers were probably trying to shame them out of being a transperson, as if you can do that, by implying that they're unloved and unwanted. I hate these tactics. They're terrible efficient at making you feel like less of a person just because you have a bit of a mix up with chromosomes and such.

It's frustrating. It's depressing. It's everyday. It makes me want to bang my head against the closest wall but that's not actually very productive at all, so I'm just going to post on this blog about it.

really, that's gonna be an overly personal, prying and irrelevant question from most people, in most conversations. Unless the discussion is actually about trans identity and dating, in particular, there is no reason but prurient curiousity that anyone really would need to know that, even family and relatively close friends. And I think it can be assumed, by the fact that the person chose it as their example of an inappropriate question, that there were no mitigating factors somehow making it appropriate. Why would it be anyone's business except who I date, what I tell people I date?

if someone is comfortable enough with a person to reveal that they are transexual, they should be comfortable enough to answer the inevitable questions that will arise. none of the transexual folks that i know walked up to me and said "hi, i'm joe and i have a vagina" or "nice to meet you, i'm kate and i've got male plumbing". it's something that comes with time and more importantly- trust. being offended by a question from a friend about something that they genuinely may not understand is ridiculous.

Being "genuinely curious" isn't a good reason to ask someone prying questions about hir personal life. It doesn't matter if that person is trans, cis, straight, queer, etc. Maybe a close friend or family member is genuinely concerned about how someone might approach talking to a significant other, but a thoughtful response is "what do you need from me?"

I'm not sure we have to judge the questions as right or wrong, we can simply witness the experience of others, which is probably similar to our own in some ways and different in others.

As a lesbian couple, my partner and I both identify as women, but she gets the right bathroom question a lot, especially from teens and tweens. They obviously need to think about it, ask about it, be able to talk about it, in order to not ostracize people of unidentifiable gender.

As a lesbian, it is inevitable that when people get to be close friends (and sometimes even casual friends) they will ask you the question: "But what do you do in bed?"

I always find this to be confounding, as if in our culture the average adult could not think of a range of possibilities. It is as if the lack of "tab A inserts into slot B" deranges some critical faculty in their thinking.

If it's a casual acquaintance, I usually tell them that I do not care to discuss intimate details and cut it off there. But with a close friend, I'll usually point out the fact that we can do every single thing THEY can do, minus one simple thing, and given access to adult novelties we can manage even that. What's interesting is the range of expressions that go across people's faces, the "gears turning" thoughtful look, followed by the "lightbulb goes on", usually followed by a hang-dog "I have been dumb" look.

I would love to see some kind of controlled study that looks at what the underlying thoughts and assumptions that lead to "That Question" are. Because the answer is so ridiculously easy to figure out, what drives people to ask it? Are they, at some level, really asking something else?

Most of these questions aren't general 'I just want to know' kind of questions. They're accusatory mean questions that highlight difference "why can't you just be a regular gay guy?" for example.

I noticed that you repeatedly refer to the Transgender community as Transgendered. Although it is a small mistake, it is an offensive one, as explained by Joanne Herman in her article "Transgender or Transgendered?" found here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joanne-herman/transgender-or-transgende_b_492922.html

I understand you did not mean to offend anyone but it would mean a lot to the Trans community if you could fix your diction.

Thank you.

I've never understood transgenderism. To preface, I attended a liberal women's college. I believe in a spectrum of sexuality, that homosexuality is not a choice, and that in a civilized society all people should be granted equal rights under the law and that same-sex marriage is part of that. I don't mind what someone wears, what pronoun they choose to identify themselves as, who they date, etc. People are free to express themselves as they like.

But none of this helps me justify transgenderism. Why not leave it at all the things mentioned above? Why bring in expensive, sometimes dangerous surgery, hormones, pills, and doctors into the mix? Having surgery to change your appearance so you like yourself more is something that any contemporary feminist would abhor. Unless it's for a transgendered person.

Further, what does it mean to say "I'm a man in a woman's body" or vice versa? What does "man" and "woman" mean in that sentence? I began to think seriously about this when I became friends with a transgendered woman who was born a man. After some time, I noticed that she took extra care to do the "feminine" thing. She let men do the heavy lifting, she subscribed to fashion and fitness magazines, she drank wine instead of beer, she talked about her weight. And I started to think, is that what she thinks being a "woman" is? The more I thought about this, the more I distanced myself from her. That is NOT what being a woman is, and I've worked my life to prove it.

Perhaps she felt that she could not do what she wanted to do as a man. My question is, why not? Isn't it because of societal expectations of men and women, not biological functions that require surgery? And shouldn't we be working to change those societal expectations for the benefit of all people, instead of just defending this minority of people who use surgery to fix a problem they think is in their biology?

So tell me! Am I missing the point of transgenderism?? Or is transgenderism just another symptom of how messed up our ideas about masculinity and femininity are? I want to know!

"In other words, these questions get asked ... because the rest of us can be so inflexible, utterly confounded when others around us challenge our assumptions about the world."

It's amazing to me that in a post highlighting the process of asking intrusive questions and the reasons underlying that asking, so many of the comments either re-ask the same questions or justify why these questions are a-ok. it's not just that we're inflexible about/confounded by/biased against transgender people and transgender-related issues, but that we insist on maintaining that inflexibility when confronted about it.

First, I want to point out that the most commonly asked question I get is "Have you had surgery?" which is essentially asking "What do your genitals look like?" I hope that this question is in the project.

Then, to contribute (lengthily) to this conversation...
As a trans woman who is pursuing physical transition, I'd like to note that, Alessandra, you have a particular understanding of what being a woman is to you, your friend has another one, I have another one, and everyone you've ever met who calls themself she has their own understanding of womanhood. The idea of a universal feminine experience is just wrong, because everyone has different formative experiences and socialization that tell them how to be feminine. That is not to say that there are not some shared aspects of womanhood, but for you to judge how someone else expresses and identifies with their woman-ness is exactly the attitude that this project is addressing.

As a cisgendered person, you are in a position of privilege. Do not judge me because I am changing my body, because you do things to change your body, too. You make dietary choices, take medicines etc. etc. What I am doing may seem or even be a more extreme change, but it is one that was necessary. If I had not undertaken transition, I probably would have been dead by now, either from risk-taking behavior and lack of self protection, or from suicide. P.S. I am 22.

Really, what I am saying, is that there really is no way for you to understand the reasons that people use to justify their transitioning. It is an intimate and personal decision, and one that no one I have ever met has taken lightly. Further, it is not really about being "a woman in a man's body" or vice-versa. Moreover, it isn't so much about being in the "wrong" body. I don't have the language to describe what motivated my transition, and that is okay... it's one of those things that I should not have to justify, because it is my body, and my choice to transition, and my understanding of femininity is just as valid as yours, and your trans friend's, even if they are all different.

Finally, I'd like to note that in trans communities there is a lot of pressure on people who transition to be hyper-femme if they are MtF or hyper-masculine if they are FtM. This pressure is just cissexism and the gender binary continuing to oppress trans people post-transition. Maybe this was influencing your friend. Sexism pushes many cisgendered women and men to be hyperfemme and hypermasculine respectively. Just because someone is trans doesn't mean they are immune to the pressures of society and community. So don't be so quick to judge others identities, or to seek justification for what they do with their bodies so that you can put them into boxes. Instead, let people be who they are, even if it is radically different from you.

My wife fields these questions and more from those who know she has married a trans man. She chooses to answer them by asking about their spouse/partner's sexual performance/preferences and genital size/shape.

I find their horrified looks kind of funny.

I'm an androgyny/genderqueer/whatever term fits your understanding of being gender neutral. Physically female.

I get asked things a lot, such as why my FB says I'm a man. I think people find my point of view especially confusing ("aren't you just a tomboy?") but I really don't blame them for asking questions. When they say it with a certain snark or are assuming things about me, there's an issue. However, one of my friends ran across something on the internet I wrote publicly and I said something along the lines of "I refer to myself online as male sometimes and female others" referencing that I rather be an uncle than an aunt, but a mother instead of a father. However, she not understanding questioned me what I was physically, saying she usually could tell when someone wasn't the gender they were born with, or were more or less in drag. I'm being blunt, she was actually very polite.

I explained to her my position and she understood. At the end of the day, we had a good laugh about it and became better friends because there was a new understanding between us, such as what compliment is more appropriate to give or why I dress the way I do to hide my breasts (which at one point, she had been attracted to).

I agree that it depends on who is asking, and why. Some questions are uncalled for, others I don't see how you can blame them. I don't go boasting that I don't feel male nor female, but when people find out and they ask questions, at least I have some understanding if they're going to hold it against me or not and if I should avoid them from then on, or if they can be my new best friend.

Of course, I don't (usually) have questions about my genitalia itself, and I imagine that makes it worse.

"Who will want to date you?" is such an awful question. It's phrased in a way that implies the answer is "no one." And it puts the transgender person on the defensive. Suddenly, it's *their* job to explain and justify the fact that yes, they are sexually desirable. That's never a fun place to be.

A casual acquaintance once asked me if I pee standing up or sitting down. I didn't know what to say, so I asked him if he wanted to watch. He said no, so I said, "Well, then I'm not going to tell you." I guess I wanted to communicate to him what a ridiculous question that was, what an invasion of privacy. Later that night he hit on me. Charming.

Are there any questions that would feel appropriate to ask a transgender or transsexual person about their experience? I'm understanding that trans people don't want to be forced into seclusion from society. I'm not sure what is appropriate. Should we not talk about it at all?

Looking at these pictures made me a little sad. I'm just another straight white male, but one who considers himself friendly to and understanding of all people, barring psychopathic murderers, rapists and the like. What made me sad, in part, is that my own natural curiosity was reflected in those images. Questions I would never ask, (I've never even dreamed of asking the like of the transgendered friends I have) but that I'd be fascinated to know the answers to. Those answers don't belong to me, they're none of my business, but it doesn't quell my desire to know. The other sorrowful pang I felt in viewing, was that questions such as these are probably asked of ones self when dealing with being transgendered, and such self-doubt is so overwhelming.

I just want clarify that just because a question is asked with good intentions doesn't lessen the pain it can cause. I've actually found myself most distraught over the well intended questions from my mother who is very liberal and whom I have a good relationship with. Questions like, "So you don't even want to be a normal guy?" because I told her that no, this doesn't change anything about my sexuality and I am almost exclusively attracted to men. She brought up valid concerns regarding health risks of surgeries, finances and "confusing" my children. Oddly, the most unblinking support I've gotten is from them. They are only 4 and 6 so I didn't broach the topic with them but as they noticed my hair getting shorter they started calling me "Mister Mommy" affectionately. My step-father actually asked, "But what gay guy would want a guy without a wiener?" I kid you not, he used the word "wiener". Ugh.

The one that asks "Don't you think you still have male privilege" struck me the most. Because it was probably asked by a person who considered themselves to be open-minded and an activist for gender rights.

It continually baffles me how anyone could think that any transgender person, however "passable," had privilege. In fact, if I had to name the least privileged group ever, the bottom of the social totem pole, I would immediately pick an assigned male who did not meet the societal standards of masculinity to a severe degree, followed closely by an assigned female. And that is BEFORE TRANSITION. There is no male privilege for a man who doesn't act male.

The only "invasive" question I've ever asked my transgender friends is "Which pronoun set/name do you want me to call you by, and in what context?" because many of my friends are living as a gender they are uncomfortable with for financial and practical reasons, and I don't want to either accidentally out them or offend them. I was genuinely curious about the surgery process but you know they have this lovely thing called "google" now.

I did ask one female friend if she intends to date men more after transitioning, but that's because I know she prefers male partners but sticks with women because she's afraid of a male partner's reaction. A lot of it is thinking to yourself "would I be comfortable if she asked me this?"

Reply to Bagelsan - the whole page seems to be breaking for me if I try to click reply:

Do you think that infertile women in general who can never give birth are privileged in this respect?

Trans people don't have much reproductive freedom once we're out as trans, plus trans-related medical care ends any existing reproductive options. Trans men have options for pregnancy, but god forbid the news hears about it. The stories about Thomas Beattie meant that cis people started looking at ways to prevent trans men from having babies at all. I believe (but could be mistaken) that Japan doesn't allow adults who have children to transition at all. Also, many married trans people lose custody and even access to their children when they start transitioning.

I also understand what KD is trying to say, but I'm trying to reconcile it with my childhood, which involved fun events like bullies threatening to rape or kill me because they thought I was too girly and gay, plus dealing with enculturation that was saturated with messages that "girls are supposed to be like this" and dealing with the depression and anxiety that came from the fact that this constantly left me feeling completely worthless and a failure because I couldn't even have that sexual desirability going for me (or I thought).

I know, I'm talking about the intersection of having a trans childhood and having people believe I was really a boy. But my point is that it's not so simple as to be able to separate them like that. To talk about trans women's passing as male privilege as if it exists in a vacuum separate from the impact of growing up trans. I'm speaking only for my own experience - other trans women have different experiences, but proposing that all trans women were raised with uncomplicated male privilege erases our transness.

I think there have been some wonderful responses on here so far that reaffirm my respect for humanity.

Though it has been a little disheartening seeing a lot of people just rephrasing the same questions out of ignorance. I'd like to address one specific issue and that is the comment about the transwoman being stereotypically female.

I'm a transwoman and my opinion of that is such. Transsexuals, more or less, are robbed of being able to express genuine aspects of themselves. The same way that someone with Bipolar disorder is robbed of ever getting to express real depression because other people just assume their complaining is because they are "off their meds" or "just acting bipolar."

The unfortunate thing I've found out in my years since starting to transition is that everything about it you funneled through the concept of gender if others know you are a transsexual. You can never just like or do something for the sake of liking or doing it.

For example, before I transitioned to female I served in the Military. I enjoyed my service more or less, probably less because of my closeted gender identity. But anyways, I still find myself talking about guns and military stuff on occasion and people always just assume its the "boy in me" or its left over from "being male." (when was I ever male?)

I mean maybe I like to talk about the Military for the same reason that female veterans do?

I get so caught up in being judged 24/7 about how my status as a transsexual relates to me being a girl that I find myself neurotic about my femininity.

The depressing thing is that I transitioned so that I could finally live my life on my terms and be who I knew I was only to end up now in a situation where society basically demands that I be the most perfect of girls for if I'm not I'm reduced to being some freak of nature.

Screw that!

it matters who u are as a person its not sexual preferences, it s identity. as aperson

Hi I havent read the previous posts, Im pretty sure after all this time I know what the general tone is. And yes Im Trans and proud to be. I dident pick this third gender of mine It was how I was born.
So two things I would like to say, There is nothing wrong with being Trans , Its natural and nature loves diversity. Society does not for various reasons.
And if I could make a nd hold a sign it would read, Why did you wait so long to come out....
Thanks Brianne C

Those pictures are ridiculous.... Who will want to date me? Well I get more girls now than as a man... How do I have sex? The same way the rest of you do....? Am I in the right bathroom? I don't use public bathrooms, they're gross.... What do you tell your girlfriends? The truth.. But in my case, she thinks its sexy and encourages it..... Why cant i just be a regular gay guy? Because I'm not into guys... and I'm not alone...

-__-

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