Flashback Friday.
Russ Ruggles, who blogs for Online Dating Matchmaker, makes an argument for lying in your online dating profile. He notes, first, that lying is common and, second, that people lie in the direction that we would expect, given social desirability. Men, for example, tend to exaggerate their height; women tend to exaggerate their thinness:
Since people also tend to restrict their searches according to social desirability (looking for taller men and thinner women), these lies will result in your being included in a greater proportion of searches. So, if you lie, you are more likely to actually go on a date.
Provided your lie was small — small enough, that is, to not be too obvious upon first meeting — Ruggles explains that things are unlikely to fall to pieces on the first date. It turns out that people’s stated preferences have a weak relationship to who they actually like. Stated preferences, one study found, “seemed to vanish when it came time to choose a partner in physical space.”
“It turns out,” Ruggles writes, that “we have pretty much no clue what we actually want in a partner.”
So lie! A little! Lie away! And, also, don’t be so picky. You never know!
Originally posted in 2010. Crossposted at Jezebel.
Lisa Wade, PhD is an Associate Professor at Tulane University. She is the author of American Hookup, a book about college sexual culture; a textbook about gender; and a forthcoming introductory text: Terrible Magnificent Sociology. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
Comments 56
Blue Wizard — May 7, 2010
I'm not keen on how the axes are structured, to highlight differences between stated importance and correlation. I'd prefer to see the whole 0-10 on the left, and 0-1 on the right, to get a scope of things (I presume negatives wouldn't need to be used).
On another note, I guess that despite society's messages that "men and women are different", they do look at the same criteria when starting a relationship.
ptp — May 7, 2010
Both of those graphs/charts give me headaches trying to parse :(
jfpbookworm — May 7, 2010
How exactly did they get some of this data? Ask people with dating profiles to report in and measure/weigh them? (Also, using height for men and weight for women without the reverse is bad science. Maybe people are more likely to gain weight over time and that accounts for the discrepancy between actual and reported? Who knows.)
How are they determining "objective" attractiveness in order to say that's important?
Meems — May 7, 2010
You know, I suspect a large part of the reason women feel the need to lie about weight is because men have no idea what different weights look like. Also, two women of the same weight and height can look completely different because of build and body composition. If a guy says he's 6'2" and is really 5'9" I'll notice. If a woman says she weighs 140 lbs and actually weighs 160 lbs, most men (and women) won't know the difference.
Jason S — May 7, 2010
That second chart is particularly hard to read. Besides the serendipitous labeling and differing right and left axes, I can't tell whether "male" and "female" refer to the partners whose attributes are being considered, or those doing the considering.
The basic point is important, though. Reported preferences hew to social norms much more closely than actual preferences. It would be interesting to see this matched up with data on who stays together.
P.S. Your site takes forever to load when I come in through your RSS feed, and images take a long time regardless.
Charles — May 7, 2010
The conclusion that "we have pretty much no clue what we actually want in a partner" seems to me to be, at best, a rather gross overstatement of the facts given that the graph shows that for three desired qualities, all three desired qualities are positively correlated with relationship initiation. The data seem to show instead that what we "have no clue" about is the relative importance of things that we do, indeed, actually want in a partner.
I don't find this result particularly surprising. If you asked me to gauge from 1-10 how important various quantities to be, the results would probably be fairly arbitrary and noisy absent some fairly serious contextualization or anchoring. For instance, if I rate quality A a '4' and quality B an '8', does that mean that B should have twice as high a statistical correlation with relationship initiation than A? Why should we assume that? If that's wrong, what should we assume instead?
I would like to be able to state my preference, on matchmaking questionnaires, for how seriously potential partners take studies like these.
unscrambled — May 7, 2010
We need a Tufte intervention! I can't read any of this!
Jeff Kaufman — May 7, 2010
I've not read it yet, but this is the article that the graph claims as a source:
http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/EastwickFinkel2008_JPSP.pdf
Dr Kate — May 7, 2010
I think the message is clear: don't do online dating unless you are willing to create a palatable sociologic construct of yourself that may/not reflect reality. Were I to become single, I think I would stick to the various venues where I currently make lots of male and female friends and get flirted with anyway - business trips, enthusiast clubs, etc. You know, just meet people you like doing things with and stuff just happens.
Dr Kate — May 7, 2010
I think the message is clear: don't do online dating unless you are willing to create a palatable sociological construct of yourself that may/not reflect reality. Were I to become single, I think I would stick to the various venues where I currently make lots of male and female friends and get flirted with anyway - business trips, enthusiast clubs, etc. You know, just meet people you like doing things with and stuff just happens.
Dr Kate — May 7, 2010
Sorry - no idea why that posted twice!
Jonathan — May 8, 2010
Women are more obsessed with looks than men, and men are money grubbing whores. Figures that stereotypes are completely wrong.
Caravelle — May 9, 2010
Wow, that last graph would merit a post by itself. How the stated preferences are radically different between men and women and correspond to gender stereotypes, whereas the actual preferences are almost the same. Also, although both genders claim to value personality a lot more than they actually do in about the same way, when it comes to attractiveness and earning power women and men's stated preferences are pretty much opposites, and while both have a big difference between stated preference and actual preference, the rankings are the same for the men and opposite for the women. So the actual preferences aren't so much a gender thing but a human thing, and society's stereotype of men is roughly in that ballpark but its stereotype of women is upside down.
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Katie McCready — June 13, 2016
I can only speak for myself but in my experience, the one big thing people do wrong when they start online dating is to try to appeal to as many people as they can. From what I've seen and heard from friends who've also tried online dating sites, the more was NOT the merrier. You just wind up having to go on more dates with people you probably wouldn't be interested in if you met them someway else.
Sure, there are always exceptions, but from where I sit, at least when you are really looking for a potential long-term relationship, being specific--even to the point where some people will get their noses out of joint after reading your profile--the better your chance of meeting someone suited to you.
For instance, for the first few tries I went with a nice generic friendly profile that I hoped would appeal to as many people as possible--thinking it was a numbers game. But I wound up spending a lot of the limited free time I had going on dates with people who were clearly not for me just because they were also non-specific about what they wanted and they seemed friendly enough. After a while I started to notice what bugged me and what I liked online and I tailored my profile to fit that.
Here's the opening sentence of my old profile, just to give an idea of what I mean (and remember, it's not SUPPOSED to appeal to everyone!):
"I'm probably smarter than you, but if you're great looking, extremely wealthy and generous in AND out of bed, I might just be willing to overlook it."
Right away I got hate letters from a few people who thought my ego was out of control and I thought, "Good, that rules that guy out."
A few people wrote to tell me they thought my profile was hilarious or refreshing and that it was nice to read something besides, "I like to laugh and hold hands during long walks on the beach." I mean, let's be honest...who DOESN'T like to laugh? Who doesn't like the beach (probably lots of people but no one I've ever met, anyways)?
The letter that really grabbed my attention was one that declared, "No one is smarter than me!" in the first line. I responded with, "I think you mean 'no one is smarter than I,' Mister Smarty-Pants." He took it in stride and his next letter made me laugh so hard that I googled portions of it just to make sure he wasn't stealing some comic's material and pawning it off as his own. When I discovered that his quick wit was evident even during instant chat sessions, I was hooked (there were some guys I came across who obviously slaved over opening letters and some of them were amusing, but they came off as too...crafted, I suppose).
Tip 2--don't waste time chatting online for months--you should find out if the chemistry is there face to face sooner than later). Mister Smarty-Pants and I met later the same week first exchanged introductions. We had chemistry and thanks to our "warts and all" profiles, we also had a pretty good idea of what we could talk about on our first date so that neither of us would bore the other to death in the first half hour. We quickly moved onto new topics and discovered a shared love for singing along to cheesy Duran Duran songs, Blondie, Mexican food, red wine, Lost marathons, "thinking about" quitting smoking and making out whenever the opportunity presented itself. We were married 8 months later.
I could have spent that time going on lots of bland dates with perfectly nice guys only to discover 3 dates in that those guys were terrible spellers (NOOOOOO!) or lived on protein drinks and actually LIKED going to the gym. I could have invested my time in someone who "seems nice enough" only to learn that my slightly sarcastic nature was either off-putting or totally confusing to him. I know. I spent one date (back in the generic profile days) listening to a guy talk non-stop about his decision to buy a John Deere power-mower and his love of John's Grisham's lesser known works, so I truly understand how slow time can move when you're making small talk with Mister Totally Not Right. That's time you can never get back.
Forget little white lies. Be specific--tell people right off the bat what you just can't tolerate along with what you're really looking for, and save everyone involved a whole lot of precious time.Don't talk yourself into trying to find something you like in someone's profile just because you think you should.
Dating should not feel like attempting to incorporate more raw greens into your diet--it's not something you should give the old college try--it's supposed to be fun! Be proud of what makes you unique and go ahead and provide your peculiarities
right alongside your selling points. The worst thing that will happen is you'll narrow the field down to actual
contenders. Then you can go ahead and Google those contenders to make sure there
aren't any current warrants out for their arrests--and once that's out of the way, all you have to do is spend time with someone who has the actual potential to make you feel all warm and squishy inside. Someone besides your gynecologist or the cashier at McDonalds, I mean.
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