Natasha L. sent in a link to the site The Plunge, a wedding planning site for men. She says,
I’m getting married in a month. My facebook knows this, and usually gives me wedding-related ads. Today it had one that said, “Give us your fiance, and we’ll give you a groom. A wedding site written by men.”
Here’s one page:
The site accepts the whole “wedding planning is women’s responsibility, and your wife is going to turn into an insane bridezilla” and “this is the end of your life, buddy” ideas so popular in our culture at the moment; this isn’t a site advocating for men to really be involved in planning weddings, or interested in them. The tone is of a fellow guy who knows how annoying it is that you have to pretend to go through all this shit and pretend you care:
How do you try to convince men that it’s ok for them to read something as stereotypically feminine as a wedding planning website? By implying that not reading it is unmanly, of course! Notice the last paragraph here:
So it’s actually masculine to read the planning site, because by doing so, you are showing that you are clueless about weddings, unlike women–since our “innate, feminine” selves know immediately how to plan them. That’s why you never see wedding magazines or websites designed for women–we instinctually know how to plan them, so there’s no market.
Well, ok, there is a site for women. Here The Plunge differentiates itself from The Knot:
The site gives you helpful tips for avoiding “emasculation”:
There’s a whole page on tips for convincing a woman to take your last name if she’s reluctant to do so. Of course, since this is an enlightened period, The Plunge first tells you that you should maybe just accept your bride-to-be’s wishes…
…but then provides a whole list of tactics, including playing on her future mom-ness by pointing out the kids will have a different name than her and that will be confusing and weird (who’s ever heard of children with a different name than one of their parents?). If she tries to turn the argument back on you by saying that if it’s no big deal to change last names, why don’t you take hers, then…
What I find tiresome about this site is that it pretends
NOTE: Apparently WordPress didn’t post everything I wrote at the end, which is why the post ends abruptly with the above half-written sentence. I’m sure what I originally wrote was brilliant. I know I mentioned that what I hate is that the site pretends to reject all this traditional wedding stuff, but it really totally buys into the idea that weddings are women’s things, and men should do as little as possible. And it’s pretty selective about what parts of modern weddings and marriage it criticizes–it can point out how absurd some of the prices of things are, but not equally mention that it might be stupid to get hung up on your bride-to-be not wanting to take your name?
I don’t remember what else I said, except pointing out that the site helpfully provides tips for if you sleep with someone else before your wedding. Their advice: do not come clean about it, unless a) it happened repeatedly or b) it was with someone the bride knows and she’s gonna find out. Also, it’s not quite as bad to cheat with a stripper as a “random girl.”
Comments 31
Samantha — June 1, 2009
Ugh.
I found this little gem when I visited their site:
"Flowers. Bridal showers. This all sounds like some newer, slightly different version of Guantánamo Bay. Luckily, you can ignore most of it."
SERIOUSLY?!!
I KIND OF give them credit for: 20 (Stripper-Free) Bachelor Party Ideas
mordicai — June 1, 2009
Yes, I am the laughing stock of my friends since I took my wife's last name. Or wait, I'm not. & maybe you should get new friends if your old ones were a bunch of misogynist jerks? Oh wait...if you are on this website, YOU are the misogynist jerk. Forgot.
yikes — June 1, 2009
Was there more of the essay? It seems to stop in the middle of a sentence.
And yes...this is awful.
Vidya — June 1, 2009
Actually, as an unmarried woman, these excepts capture a lot of what I feel about weddings. Maybe they could make a site for brides-to-be to convince them not to be suckers for the soul-eating capitalist machine that is the modern wedding industry.
I particularly like the term 'wedding porn', lol.
Anonymous — June 1, 2009
"Actually, as an unmarried woman, these excepts capture a lot of what I feel about weddings."
I might agree (traditional weddings are ridiculous and getting worse), but they go pretty far into ridiculous, horrendous sexism right quick.
Magnetic Crow — June 1, 2009
The whole wedding industry, with all of its gendered stereotypes, is as Patriarchal as it comes, and it's disgusting that sites like this pretend otherwise.
How ironic, these men who moan and whine about it being about stamping out THEIR independence and freedom, considering marriage's long history as, essentially, an exchange of property rights. The property being the woman, the original owner being her father, and the purchaser being the new husband.
Trabb's Boy — June 1, 2009
Ah, whatever happened to the days when it was "masculine" to be patient and gracious, to express interest in the interests of others, to be a grown-up. These days, it seems that "masculinity" is defined by the size of one's id.
That said, if they had made this a site for people whose partner or partner's family is really wrapped up in wedding planning and it's not really your thing so here are some tips on what to expect and how to be polite without sacrificing all your most cherished beliefs, then I'd be all for it. I'd probably be okay with the site just aimed at men, since in all likelihood the vast majority of people finding themselves in this situation are male. But it's a shame if the only way the site can attract traffic is through sexist language and images.
My husband and I kept our own names, drew straws to decide whose name the first kid would get and then alternated for the rest. It has miraculously failed to cause a big problem for any of us. The assumption that women can opt out of the husband's name, but not the kids is nonsense. Doesn't the person who goes through the work of "squirting out" a kid have a stronger claim on naming privileges?
Emily — June 1, 2009
I saw a link to this website a few days ago. Me and my fiance are in the middle of planning our wedding (yes, he is -gasp- very much involved! and on his own free will!), and after reading to him a few lines from a couple of the articles (especailly that one about last names), he said to me "What is this, wedding planning for douchebags?" I think he hit the nail straight on the head with that description.
Sabriel — June 1, 2009
Well, maybe some bride-to-be will find out that her fiancee has been reading that website, and this information will cause her to have an epiphany and DTMFA.
... maybe?
well, it's possible.
t k — June 1, 2009
Trying to sell "groom cake" to manly men? How crass and money grubbing can someone be?
SarahMC — June 1, 2009
It's so cute how men pretend marriage doesn't benefit them in any way, and that they are "forced" to get hitched to women they can barely stand.
If your lady is a materialistic bitch of a princess, why are you marrying her? Oh right, every dude needs a hot chick who'll fold his clothes and have his babies by age ____.
anna — June 1, 2009
agh!!
what is with the attitude these days of the pro-apathy, everythings-an-in-joke, pro-laziness that is being marketed to guys? it's so stupid and sad. from this to deodorant commercials, i just can't deal with this anymore, i hate to think what these people's kids will end up like.
also, "let her be her, but if you need ammunition"????
another anonymous — June 1, 2009
Groom Cake should be re-appropriated for male same sex weddings.
Aaron — June 1, 2009
It's at least as sexist as some of the female-geared wedding-planning books my fiancee has been reading. I think the whole of the wedding planning literature is offensively sexist, and I think equally as many men would be outraged if they would read it, but unfortunately there's so few guides and planners out there that attempt to plan a wedding as a partnership (really an irony in my opinion) without delving into blatant sexism.
But I think as long as you can take both with a grain of salt, and respect that many men might be assured by the "maxim magazine" tone of that site as women are as assured by the "cosmo tone" of female wedding planning literature. Sexist? certainly, but also useful in their own ways.
Natasha L — June 2, 2009
What's funny to me about this is that my fiancee and I are being quite non-traditional with our wedding; we're doing it as we wish, and fairly cheaply. I would love to see more books and sites aimed at grooms/men/etc, as well as more alternative websites. I do use The Knot (helpful for tracking RSVPs, etc), but I also really like Offbeat Bride, which celebrates non-traditional weddings: http://offbeatbride.com/
I also just read "All Dressed in White: The Irresistible Rise of the American Wedding" by Carol Wallace, which was a fascinating look at American wedding traditions and how many of them came to be. When it comes to weddings, there is a need for far more voices and points of view to enter the conversation. The creators of The Plunge have a right to their view, obviously, but it saddens me greatly, and I think it does a disservice to men and women, grooms and brides.
Lindsey — June 2, 2009
Is this not a misogyny-coated excuse for men to read about weddings for three hours without the potential embarassment of someone catching them at it?
Maggie — June 2, 2009
Portraying guys as apathetic idiot assholes undermines the men who are not these things, gives positive reinforcement to men who are, and encourages the men on the proverbial edge to think this kind of sexist behavior is "manly" and "cool."
damn, I am officially depressed that The Plunge is actually a serious site.
Take The Plunge! « The Gender Blender Blog — June 2, 2009
[...] The Plunge! 3 06 2009 There’s a recent post on Sociological Images about The Plunge, a wedding planning website for men. The site reinforces [...]
maatnofret — June 3, 2009
Wow, that's really bleak. Wedding planning for douchebags, indeed.
If you (the male audience of this site) believe that getting married will be the end of all fun and excitement, don't get married. Really, it's not that difficult.
Endor — June 4, 2009
"It’s so cute how men pretend marriage doesn’t benefit them in any way, and that they are “forced” to get hitched to women they can barely stand.
If your lady is a materialistic bitch of a princess, why are you marrying her? Oh right, every dude needs a hot chick who’ll fold his clothes and have his babies by age ____."
And clean his toilet. Because that's disgusting and what women are for.
Sarah, I am starting to think you can read my mind.
Endor — June 4, 2009
"f you (the male audience of this site) believe that getting married will be the end of all fun and excitement, don’t get married. Really, it’s not that difficult."
Ah, but see, it's all just a game. They (sexist boys in general) pretend they don't want to get married - that's its the death of their fun and freedom - so that they can get women to work that much harder to snag them. Once in, women will work that much harder to keep it together. And when they divorce, he'll get a new one and slowly drain the life out of her too.
Though it may sound like i am anti-marriage, I'm not. I'm married, but I got real lucky and found a man - an actual mature adult male. it sounds like the site in this post is for the other kind - the useless, lazy, first husbands type.
allison — June 4, 2009
horrifying.
cath — June 10, 2009
As a artist, I think that its a ridiculous idea that having aesthetic taste is un-masculine.
ulises — June 14, 2009
hm, i went to the website, and they actually changed the taking the guy's name part, and its much more aware and uh..sensitive? Yeah. So give them a little credit, that they bothered to actually listen.
allison — June 15, 2009
Indeed, it actually looks like they changed that name section, and it's actually a lot better: "you love this woman for a reason, and part of the reason, we're guessing, is that she's intelligent and feisty and strong. A desire to keep her own name is part of the whole package; take the good with the bad. This doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or is embarrassed by you or secretly wants to abandon you; it means that she has a very, very strong sense of self, which is, well, sexy."
olon — June 18, 2009
And if you really believe that men are as horrific as the comments on this page portray them, then don't get married. Really, it's not that difficult.
"slowly drain the life out of her too" "sexist boys in general" "sexist behavior is manly and cool" "every dude needs a hot chick who'll fold his clothes" "apathetic idiot assholes" "misogyny coated excuse for men" "men pretend marriage doesn't benefit them" "douchebags" "masculinity is defined by the size of ones id" "the purchaser being the new husband" "misogynist jerks"
Wow, the hatred for men here! But all this scorn and derision directed at men kinda undercuts the criticism of the site's sexism does it not? I mean if you're entitled to this level of contempt and insult toward men, then...well I guess that's just the way it is here, right?
"I got real lucky and found an actual mature adult male" Really? Gee, "an actual mature male"! Miraculous! Unbelievable! Talk about sexism. Actually, I've know quite a few mature males, and you may find this hard to believe, but I've know quite a few immature females as well. Some of the anti-male comments here are rather on the grade school level unfortunately.
"I do use the Knot (helpful for tracking RSVPs, but..." LOL, it's okay you don't have to apologize for the Knot. But anyway yeah, all men are sexist jerks, immature douchebags who pretend to hate weddings when they actually love them, and who all have this ridiculous idea that having aesthetic taste is un-masculine, believe that women are for cleaning toilets, and on and on, their perfidy is unending. The hate, the hate.
Rjjspesh — November 24, 2011
OMFG the sexism... it burns :P Z goggles do nothing.
Rjjspesh — November 24, 2011
Also: olon, give us a break. This site was created for men who hate women by men who hate women. Let us call them jerks FFS
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