What comes to mind when you think of romance, love, and Valentine’s Day? Probably things like sunsets, flowers, chocolates, candles, poetry, and bubble baths. You know, girl stuff.
Francesca Cancian, who writes on love, calls this the feminization of love. It makes love seem like its for women and girls only. This is a problem for at least two reasons. First, because men are supposed to avoid girly things in our culture, they are pressured to pretend like they’re not into love and love-related things. That’s why men are offered the alternative Steak and a Blow Job Day.
Second, it makes other ways of expressing love less visible. Maybe he shows love by always changing the oil in the car or making sure the computer is updated with anti-virus software. These can be mis-recognized as not about love because they aren’t the proper socially constructed symbols. So, if he doesn’t also show up with flowers or candy once in a while, maybe she doesn’t feel loved.
The flip side of this is the masculinization of sex. The rather new idea that what men are really interested in is sex and that this is secondary or, even, obligatory for women.
The feminization of love and masculinization of sex manifests itself in a myriad of ways across our culture, causing all sorts of problems. In the case of Valentine’s Day, it makes it seem as if the (assumed heterosexual) holiday is for women but, if he does it right, he’ll get sex as a reward. How romantic.
Cross-posted at Pacific Standard.
Lisa Wade, PhD is an Associate Professor at Tulane University. She is the author of American Hookup, a book about college sexual culture; a textbook about gender; and a forthcoming introductory text: Terrible Magnificent Sociology. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
Comments 30
Mercurianferret — February 14, 2009
Ummm.... Yes, but it cuts both ways. For example, if person A in a couple likes something that person B doesn't, wouldn't it be a show of love for person B to give to A what A likes without expectation of reciprocation?
The problem with the above scenario is that (unless it matches up with some or all of the norms of Valentine's Day), there will likely be tension. Tension because it is a nonstandard thing to do - and the expectation of the standard is likely there (this is the tricky thing about surprise parties and the like). Tension, too, because the recipient may well feel like there is an expectation for reciprocation.
Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but sometimes it is easiest to just go with the flow of expected norms, otherwise you risk disappointment, unexpected senses of reciprocation, or something similarly awkward. Of course, one could plan what will happen well in advance, either by discussing how "this year let's do something different" or providing a oh-so-unromantic schedule of events.
I have long held the belief that Valentine's Day is a dangerous day, since it plays with the fundamental feelings of love, need, and acceptance. Knowing how one is accepted and loved is easier to do in a well-defined ritual set up by sometimes-annoying cultural norms.
The Nerd — February 16, 2009
What I find interesting is that these things are associated with femininity. For example, chocolate is gendered? Why? Thank you, marketing departments across the US. In a perfect world, men would be allowed to express their enjoyment of all these things just as much as women can.
e. — February 16, 2009
this just reminded me of a couple who were having lots of minor fights anyway and then the guy thought hed do something a little different for valentines day - he bought his girlfriend a cream coloured rose instead of a red one. it was meant to be more special, because everyone buys red roses for their beloved. BIG mistake (well, considering her reaction and the outcome of that small incident hes probably much better off now).
she crushed the rose, went icy and created such a ruckus that in the end they were separating for good, just like that. because she was of the opinion that he couldnt love her if he didnt get her a red rose (only red roses signify love, obviously).
this is just crazy and i at first didnt want to believe it (my boyfriend doesnt even bother with getting me something for my birthday, much less so on valentines day. but nor do i, and the love is visible to us still.), but it really seems to be the way it works for some people.
as for this cutting both ways - certainly. this woman took to absolute domination. he was really trying to make up for it afterwards but then luckily could only bend so far and the thing broke off.
seems to me love is not about this kind of thing.
Amy — June 24, 2009
I agree with The Nerd - why are these things necessarily feminine? Walking on the beach? Having dinner?
My partner would enjoy me bringing him flowers as much as I would enjoy him to do it for me. Are flowers feminine because they're a frivolous present that doesn't do or mean anything other than "I was thinking of you" and therefore were traditionally brought to women by men as a gesture of love (men being traditionally the ones with the money and ability to buy gifts)? If so, they're less about femininity than they are just about romance.
ashie — July 15, 2009
i love red roses..........
they r pretty...
& lovely
thewhatifgirl — August 9, 2009
Well, one thing about flowers is that they were associated for a long time with vanity, a trait that was also typically assigned mostly to women. They were often shown as a reminder that beauty (and other "good" things) is fleeting. Research "memento mori" and you will probably find depictions of blooming flowers. Which seems like a back-handed compliment to me.
I wonder if similar things might be true of some of the other things that are associated with love.
ganu — September 8, 2009
l luv red roses
benioto — September 14, 2009
will like every thin on this particular content
Happy Valentines Day — February 14, 2010
[...] [Image credit: Context] [...]
Rosa — February 14, 2010
I also agree with The Nerd and wonder if these things are considered feminine because they're about tenderness, softness, sensitivity, nurturing and feelings.
I have to say I don't really know what was meant by a "masculine" romance. Candles are only considered feminine because they're soft and gentle, and because men aren't "supposed" to be these things they're not "supposed" to appreciate these things either.
Traditionally in cultures across the world (including our own) roses and chocolate were actually considered masculine because they were sophisticated and if you could acquire them it showed you had wealth, money and therefore power. Roses and chocolate were also associated with sexuality and were therefore also considered masculine to the point where in some countries women were forbidden or discouraged from consuming chocolate.
Alice — May 5, 2010
Women whine and complain in relationships. They demand attention, presents and affection. Of course, this is a total bummer to men, who don't really see the point in any of those things. Valentine's Day is there so that they can grit their teeth together and give the woman all those things in an intensive 24-hour marathon session so that she'll calm down and shut up, and continue dispensing blowjobs and clean dishes for the other 364 days of the year.
(As a side note, I am being heavily sarcastic.)
In which I am a grumpy feminist and enjoy it. « Tripod Anything — February 14, 2011
[...] 1. The commodification of love as something that can be bought and sold; 2. The expectation that love should be bought and sold, because love is the only way to happiness; 3. Men therefore can and should attempt to purchase affection from women in a hegemonic heterosexual relationship. (While there are many Valentines gifts advertised for men love is usually quite a feminized concept.) [...]
Ace — February 26, 2012
I feel most loved by my partner when he thanks me for doing things I don't "have" to do (washing dishes, making meals, doing his laundry) instead of assuming those are things I should do as his partner. I have long realized that my father doesn't say he loves us. He paints the kitchens when he comes to visit, or fixes a broken door.
Tom Megginson — February 12, 2014
I'm getting my love a fancy Japanese knife.
Bill R — February 12, 2014
"Sex" and "love" as you discuss them here are concepts outside good marriages, the stuff of people who are too young, too immature or too inexperienced in relationships to get beyond.
The real wonders in life happen after such experimental fires are retired and the real ones lighted.
Funny thing is I tend to view Valentines Day as a way for youth to take a break from the sex/love debacles they've gotten themselves tied up in and treat each other in a kindler, gentler way. Why would you want to ruin that for them?
Guest — February 12, 2014
You do know that "Steak and Blowjob Day" started as a comedy sketch done by Jimmy Kimmel back when he was on Comedy Central? You know this right?
Your primary evidence is a comedy sketch that took aim at ignorant stereotypes. I'd say the joke's on you.
Everything Sociology — February 13, 2014
On point. It is ridiculous how things that are supposed to be natural human behaviors are categorized into "for female" and "for male."
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James — February 15, 2014
Do you have any research-based evidence that men are just pretending to be less excited than women about love and love-related things?
How do you decide which aspects of male psychology and behavior are simply the result of cultural pressure? Is the process by which you make these decisions at all analytical or intellectual? For example, you assert that men are merely pretending when they "act like they're not into love." And yet you suggest that men stay true to their inherent nature when they change the oil in the car or make sure the computer is updated with anti-virus software. Aren't there cultural pressures for men to be technically competent when it comes to knowing about cars and computers?
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