relationships

Time for some serious talk about men’s violence. I’ll break it down to make a difficult point really simple.

Number one: Men’s violence against women is a men’s issue.
Number two: Prevention is the best solution.

It’s been almost two months since Chris Brown’s infamous and brutal attack on Rihanna. With our three-second Twitters, four-second sound bites, and a five-second news story shelf lives, it’s like this assault happened a million years ago. It’s so easy to collectively forget and move on to the Next Big Story.

But think back to the leaked police photos of 21-year-old popstar Rihanna’s bruised and swollen face. Although her bruises may have faded along with our collective voyeurism, a crucial issue remains.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 1.3 million women are victims of assault by an intimate partner each year. Do the math. That works out to nearly two-and-a-half women assaulted every minute, typically by a boyfriend or husband.
We live in a culture that shrouds these facts of violence in secrecy, silence, and misunderstanding. We’re taught to confuse abuse with passionate love. Our culture links violence with romance with lines like, “Baby, I only hit you because I love you” — the kind of relentless refrain we see repeated in mainstream movies, TV, magazines, and music.

If a celebrity woman stays in a violent relationship, or gets back with an abusive guy, the takeaway for most people is that that male violence is not so bad. This insidious message, comments journalist Katha Pollitt, reinforces ideas that male violence is a natural part of life, and something in which women are complicit by provoking it, using it, even liking it.

This is dangerous misinformation. It contributes to a culture that normalizes violence and is accustomed to looking the other way, even with the rates of abuse so astronomically high.

But here’s the thing. Whether we’re talking about two megastars in Hollywood or the couple living right next door, we might scratch our heads and ask, “If he’s abusive then why does she stay?”

It’s a fair question. But the wrong one. The question that goes to the heart of the matter is Why does he hit?

Men are certainly victims of domestic assault. But the vast majority of cases are women hurt by men’s hands, words, and control. Direct service agencies and hospital samples indicate that men commit nearly 90 percent of domestic abuse. Yet, ironically, we’re trained to think of abuse as a woman’s issue. When we’re talking about male violence against women, says violence-prevention educator Jackson Katz, we’re really talking about a men’s issue.

This isn’t about blaming men. The point is more profound and the goal more constructive than that. The most effective way to end violence against women is to stop the problem before it happens. Doing so means we need men on board. We need men taking responsibility, getting in on the conversations about male violence, and refusing to be silent bystanders to the problem.

Rihanna and Chris Brown are high-profile cultural icons. Millions of fans look to them as trendsetters and culture creators. With media giving so much attention to their personal lives, the couple’s private relationship has powerful public impact.

The Rihanna-Chris Brown fan base skews young. So does abuse. Girls and women between the ages of 16 and 24 are more likely than any other group to be in abusive relationships. The NCADV reports teen dating violence is one of the major sources of violence in adolescents’ lives. A full 20 percent of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship. Teen dating violence is particularly insidious because it happens at a time when young people are navigating intense relationships, sorting out their values, and laying emotional roadmaps for their futures.

A recent study of Boston teens that found nearly 50 percent of the 12-to-19-year-olds surveyed blamed Rihanna for getting hit. But this isn’t just about pop-star punditry. The issue literally hits at home. According to the Boston Public Health Commission, 71 percent of the teens they questioned said arguing is a normal part of relationships and 44 percent said fighting in relationships is routine.

This is startling.

So let’s seize this cultural moment to keep talking — really talking! — about masculinity, violence, and pop culture. Honest conversations across communities about male violence against women are crucial for the safety of teenagers at risk, for children who witness abuse, and for survivors everywhere. We need to start talking across communities because men’s violence against women is a men’s issue. And prevention is the best solution.

My latest at Recessionwire.com is now up: Love in the Time of Layoff: Her Expendable Career. I go all politico over subsidized childcare in this one, so please check it out, spread the link, leave comments, etc! It’s very Girl w/Pen-nish, this time.

Here we are, at 92Y Tribeca.  From left to right: Courtney Martin, Elizabeth Hines, Gloria Feldt, and me.  Logo on screen done by Marco.  Thanks to everyone for coming out, props to the great staff at the Y, and endless gratitude to my fellow WGLs — of all the different things I do, doing this panel with them is hands down one of my FAVES.

For some recaps, check out:

Courtney’s reflections on our shared blog, WomenGirlsLadies, in which she summarizes a lot of what I’ve been thinking about of late: “There is an opportunity, this economic downturn, for all sorts of gender shake-up. When we’re forced to recognize that old styles of leadership and assumptions about gender roles are no longer valid, we can get even the most reluctant folks to try a more enlightened, equal approach. The media coverage of this phenomenon has been totally unsatisfying (dads who cook! women who work! what a revelation!), but in truth, there is something interesting going on.”

A meaty comment over at WomenGirlsLadies from audience member Sara: “I think the most exciting thing anyone said was that this is a moment the feminist movement can take advantage of the social chaos to effect broad change, but if we’re not looking beyond the division of work at home and our ability to balance family and work life, even just in the context of work we’re limiting ourselves.”

Elisabeth Garber-Paul’s review over at RH Reality Check, Feminism and the New Great Depression: What’s Next?, in which she writes: “However, the depression [sic] makes it a more volatile time for the discussion of gender roles—especially because 4 out of 5 laid-off workers are men, and that translates into a seeming crisis of masculinity. The image of the female breadwinner and the stay-at-home dad is increasingly common, and now that men don’t necessarily identify primarily through their title at work, how we define masculinity will need to change—just as the image of femininity has been changing over the past 40 years.”

BTW, I’m starting to develop a TALK on these themes of men, women, gender, and recession — I’ll be trying it out next week at Framingham State College and in April at Catalyst here in NYC.  More on all that soon….and potentially one day coming to a venue near you….stay tuned!

My latest, “Of Uncertain Times,” now up over at Recessionwire.com!

Ah, uncertainty…sigh.

(Crossposted at Recessionwire)

When Marco got laid off in January, friends who knew of our family-launching plans asked us whether we’d continue or put things on hold. I just turned 40. Marco is seven years older than me. Our biological clocks are not in sync with the dipping of the Dow.

Sure, it occurred to us for half a second that this might not be the wisest time to be spending my grandmother’s inheritance on fertility treatments not covered by health insurance, but it’s expensive to adopt, too. And we really, really want a child.

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We had different plans for this month’s blog, but it has become impossible not to comment on what transpired on the night before the Grammy’s.

Tonni: Thanks to the wonder of technology I was receiving live Grammy commentary via a three-way conversation with friends in the States when my girlfriend mentioned that Chris Brown was missing. Apparently so was ‘our girl’ Rihanna- ‘our girl’ ‘cause she’s a fellow ‘Caribeana’ and regardless of her vocal abilities we’re proud and protective. There are many problems with what happened next but what I find repulsive is how the gory details are unfolding in the media. Unlike Salon’s Tracy Clark-Flory, try as I might I couldn’t escape TMZ’s trademarked photo. It was everywhere, displaying a young woman battered, bruised, and completely and totally vulnerable.

Gwen: As a survivor of violence myself, it will not come as a shock that, like Tonni, I was saddened, outraged and generally overwhelmed by the coverage of Rihanna’s struggle with domestic violence. We felt that highlighting Rihanna’s ordeal could help us capture the fact that domestic violence is directly related to the systematic oppression of women around the world, regardless of race, class, ethnicity and fame. In short, domestic violence can happen to anyone, including celebrities. Further, the coverage of domestic violence in popular media outlets shows the shortcomings of current methods in dealing with the structural nature of violence against women.

The Big Picture
According to Amnesty International’s Stop Violence Against Women program, without exception, a woman’s greatest risk of violence is from someone she knows. Amnesty International classifies domestic violence as a human rights abuse, rightly arguing that the Universal Declaration of Human Rights affirms the inadmissibility of discrimination and proclaims that everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in the declaration, without distinction of any kind, including distinction based on sex. When women are subjected to domestic violence and the State does not protect them against this violence, whether due to inefficient or ineffective laws and policies, then the State should be held responsible for the abuse.

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Watch for a new installment of “Love in the Time of Layoff” — my new column over at Recessionwire.com (the upside of the downturn) !  The feature will be appearing regularly, on Thursdays, and today’s should go live soon. (My previous one is posted here.)

Meanwhile, those savvy bloggers are doing all sorts of clever over there — Recession Concessions, Productive Loafing, Recession Lexicon, and more!

Today marks the launch of the best little darn thing, IMHO, to come out of this damn recession so far: GWP readers, please meet Recessionwire.com.

It’s the upside of the downturn.

This new pop-up site promises to chronicle these tough economic times until they end. Content is aimed at urban professionals looking for news, inspiration, advice, cultural insights, and a dose of humor. Think of it as your user’s guide to the recession.

Here’s how it all began, as described on the site:

A party, wine, conversations about layoffs—it was so very holiday ‘08. It was also where Lynn Parramore, a freelance writer who had lost several gigs to the downturn, and Laura Rich and Sara Clemence, who had just been laid off from Condé Nast Portfolio, decided to turn misfortune into opportunity. Inspired to capture the stories and improve the lives of urban professionals who, like them, were getting effed by the economy, they founded a website in early 2009. And that’s how Recessionwire was born–as a pop-up site™, ready and willing to die.

The editors’ vision was so in sync with my own–the desire to do something creative with misfortune, the impulse to make lemonade from shit–that I just had to be a part.

As ya’ll know, I just haven’t been able to stop writing about gender shakeup in the wake of recession after Marco got laid off. So now my musings have a home. I’ll be writing a regular feature for Recessionwire called Love in the Time of Layoff. It’ll appear every Thursday. The first installment–“Honey, They Shrunk My Job”–is now live.

In addition to my rather personal (ahem) take on the ways and woes of relationships in tough economic times though, please look to Recessionwire every day for perspective, work (or out-of-work) advice, spending tips, and more.  Other regular features include:

Recession Briefing: A daily roundup of the news you need to survive and thrive
Lemonade Makers: Spotlights on people seeing opportunity in this economy
Redux: A cultural series that looks into history to see the path ahead
Retooling: Profiles of companies working out New Reality strategies
Recession Lexicon: The new terms, expressions, euphemisms that are coming out of this economy
Recession Concessions: Peeks at what people are giving up as they cut back–and the luxuries they won’t concede.

I promise you will find some solace here, or at the very least a snort or a laugh.  Personally, this site has made my month.  I can’t wait to share it all with you.  Do take a look, and then please please pass it on!

Reccessionwire.com

Why does the New York Times keep printing stories about gender relations in the wake of layoff that make me want to throw up?

The latest (thank you, Shira!): “It’s the Economy, Girlfriend.” Some snippets, so that you can consider barfing, between the tears, too:

Once it was seen as a blessing in certain circles to have a wealthy, powerful partner who would leave you alone with the credit card while he was busy brokering deals. Now, many Wall Street wives, girlfriends and, increasingly, exes, are living the curse of cutbacks in nanny hours and reservations at Masa or Megu. And that credit card? Canceled.

Raoul Felder, the Manhattan divorce lawyer, said that cases involving financiers always stack up as the economy starts to slip, because layoffs and shrinking bonuses place stress on relationships — and, he said, because “there aren’t funds or time for mistresses any more.”

The article goes on, but you get the point.

You could say I’m bitter because I live in New York and have never eaten at (nor even heard of) Masa or Megu.  But as I’ve said before, and as I firmly believe, loss is relative.  That’s not what bothers me about this piece.

Here’s what bothers me: Among other things, aren’t women on Wall Street also losing their jobs? And are all the women in Manhattan who date bankers as shallow as the women profiled in this article? I think NOT (and personally, I know quite a few–but then, most of the ones I know are bankers themselves, too).

So why, then, must we continue to be treated to stories about how the elite are suffering by cutting back on their Botox?  Aren’t there more pressing stories to tell?

Regardless, and as a bit of a tangent, here’s where it gets a little more interesting.  My favorite tidbit from the article?  The fact that a number of these Wall Street widows have gotten together and created a blog, Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA).  From the site’s description:

Are you or someone you love dating a banker? If so, we are here to support you through these difficult times. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA) is a safe place where women can come together – free from the scrutiny of feminists– and share their tearful tales of how the mortgage meltdown has affected their relationships.

As a scrutinizing feminist, I confess to enjoying the frivolity, humor, and enterprising spirit of the site.  Some of it also makes me rather queasy, as I think it’s intended to do.  But check it out for yourself.  Whatever else it is, it’s highly over the top.