I started talking with my 8-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter about sexuality as soon as they started to ask questions like, “How are babies made?” From my point of view, books have all the answers, and I turned to It’s So Amazing: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley as a starting point.
But recent news has me wondering how and when to initiate other, more difficult conversations about sexuality and power.
For example, my neighbor and I were talking over our 10-year-old daughters’ heads at the bus stop on Monday morning about Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund who has been arrested and charged with sexually attacking a maid.
Our conversation went like this:
Neighbor: “Did you see the news about Dominique Strauss-Kahn?”
Me: “Yes, it really does show that incidents like that are about power.”
Neighbor: “That’s for sure.”
My daughter Maya hovered nearby, sensing that we were discussing something juicy, but not entirely understanding. She interrupted us with a question about school, and we changed the subject.
And then yesterday the news broke that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with one of his household employees.
I admit to turning the paper facedown on the kitchen table. I would have found a way to talk about the Schwarzenegger story, of course, but I wasn’t eager to have the conversation.
As someone who jumped in early with the “sex talk,” I wonder why I’m shying away from talking about sexuality and power. Maybe I want to protect my children from linking sexuality and violence when they still want to believe the best about people’s intentions. After reading Veronica Arreola’s great post, “Can We Whistle Stereotypes Away?” I think I might be doing a better service to my kids if I’m honest in acknowledging that some men abuse power over women.
GWP readers, what do you think? Is there a right time for the other sex talk? Do you have advice about how to navigate this topic?
Comments
Claire — May 19, 2011
I don't have advice, but with 2 ten year olds (one of each) I do have more questions: When do you explain rape to a child? if their understanding of sex is 2 parts science, one part earnest talk about love and parents and one part non-human animal life -- then what part starts to be the power/control/manipulation/violence?
In general I try and avoid the nastier side of human life -- and yet I think it may not be so useful. case in point. I asked the boy to read me today's headline and he clearly chose the second headline -- about the image problem of a small town nearby over the primary headline about a local soldier dying in Afghanistan. I was too flummoxed to have a good response to him asking why he avoided that story -- except that i think he is not comfortable with that story (and that makes DSK all the more difficult).
Veronica — May 20, 2011
Claire -- I've been pondering the same rape question. When someone figures it out, let me know!
Jeanine Ertl — May 31, 2011
Such an important conversation to be having. I've got two little girls, ages 5 and 3, and I ask myself the same questions. How will I know when? When will it feel right? I would love to hear more on this topic. Thanks so much for your excellent insight and great questions.