Dr. Utley is right on. As always, she advances an insightful and cogent analysis and I look forward to her next posts!

I thought while reading how public men/cheaters eventually lose their power as well. Sure, the men are congratulated at first for their masculine prowess and ability to score another woman (or women), but eventually they are shamed and lose their credibility. Does that "settle the score" for the infidelity? Not sure, but I'll be interested to see how this all plays out...

Both the women willing to be mistress and those who play the silent wife are as much part of the problem on infidelity as the cheating men.

As it happens, I agree with Ms Utley. There is a power in silence that cannot be trumped by the constant blather of the mistresses. Only one objection. I am not interested in the peccadilloes of any famous male or female be it politician or otherwise, are our live that shallow? Violence is the issue that needs addressing. Whatever the problem should violence be an acceptable response? It would seem so given the comments and situational accounts in the media. This interest in others private affairs does nothing to answer the salient questions and problems of the day. Jobs, healthcare, foreclosures, retirement loses, institutional racism, foreign war casualties and cost are where our interest should be focused, I believe.

Dr. Utley,

I have to respectfully disagree with you. While I do agree that mistresses do hold the power (over their cheating counter parts) by being discreet and keeping the affair secret, I would argue that, (and I think the media has proven this time and time again) the second the secret is out the mistress keeps and gains (rather than looses) more power. She continues to gain power for as long as she continues to talk and air out all "his dirty laundry". She is put in the spot light and in the forefront of every news/gossip/magazine/media venue and is asked to be the"siren of truths" behind the "professional-clean-cut-persona's" that these public figures put out there for us to see. While the mistress is gaining all this "power" doing all the talking, the wife is keeping quiet -not gaining POWER but rather gaining PITY as we all "feel sorry for the embarrassment she must be going through."

In the mean time, what we see happening is that yes, the husbands scramble desperately to quickly make the mistress go away and to regain some power THEMSELVES. As the poor wife continues not to gain power or integrity but rather pity and sorrow while everyone is wondering "Did she know? Why 'ISN'T' she leaving him? Does she love him that much?" The quieter she remains, the more dignity and power that wife LOOSES rather than gains because now everyone is thinking just that--"she is staying quite because she is waiting for her $4 million dollar rock." Now the wife is seen as the goal-digger loosing all respect, integrity and any bit of power she ever had over her husband. Her silence does not bring her power, put rather pity and shame.

So in my opinion, the person who gains all the power and "ends up on top" yet again, is the successful cheating husband, who manages to get the mistress out of the spot light, regains his "power" by making some sorry-public-apology to his wife, sponsors and fans. In the end (for the most part) patching things up with his wife continuing to leave her silent and powerless. You say, yeah but the wife now has a "4 million dollar ring and pre-nup revisions"-giving her the power. Well no, if you really think about it, she had access to all that money before the "affair" was ever out anyway. So really her silence never gained her any power at all.

The power shift was NOT from the mistress to the wife, but rather from the mistress back to the cheating husband. The wives (those who stay) are left behind with nothing put a pity party, loosing all kinds of power and respect for publicly allowing their husbands to buy off her integrity and self-respect with some cheesy-expensive gift. The only thing the silent wife gains is a new title- she is now labeled as a gold-digging wife with no dignity or respect for herself. Leaving both women with no power and the cheating husband back in the driver's seat.

Respectfully,
Melissa Dennany

Add on to my earlier post...

If the wife is to gain any power at all, she shouldn't stay silent, she needs to stand up and speak-out for herself. Let everyone hear her voice and be a strong example of a woman for everyone to see. Keeping silent only sets us women back 100's of years when women were to be seen not heard as the men were the only power holders in society.

M.Dennany

I don't necessarily think it is the wives duty to be an example for every woman and speak out. Although I do feel it will empower so many in women who are knowingly in the same situation. What I do feel is that the wife can be looked at both ways as one who is empowered or one who is weak and money hungry. But at the end of the day the wives silence always holds a prison over the husbands head. He who obviously is not ready to be in a commitment, he returns to guilt and lives in the relationship with that hanging over his head. Knowing at any giving moment that the rest of the puzzle can fall out of the wives mouth. He lives on pins and needles in a fake existence. Rather he loves her or not the truth of the matter is love is not enough to make the wives forget about the embarrassment and humiliation. And yes rather we hear about it or not the wife eventually wins. If the husband ever messes up again she will demolish him. If he doesn't she has turned him to this cowardly little pup with his tail between his legs beckoning to her every call. The media can turn her in to what they want but the mystery is what makes her empowered as Dr.Ebony stated. The longer she holds on the story the more it is worth. Imagine if Hillary talks, Mrs Bryant...what juicy news it would be. They can turn those men into whatever they want. And we would just sit back and believe them. Lets see who gets coverage then!

Unfortunately, stories such as this one are as old as time.

Even during the Stone Ages, I can vividly picture cavemen dragging their mistresses by the hair (as MOST men typically didn't care to seduce a woman back then either!), and back to their caves (out of the sight of their wives, of course)!

What makes this situation so tantalizing is that the "Squeaky Clean Golf Boy" who we essentially watch grow up (via old sports footage) has been caught in not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, not 8, but 9, count them NINE EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS!

And although I can understand your point about the mystique surrounding "the silent wife" Dr. Utley, I agree with Ms. Dennany. The ONLY one who really wins in this situation is the cheating husband.

There are several reasons for this:

First, men are SOCIALIZED from a very early age to date and/or have sex with as many women as possible. Although in some highly religious circles this type of behavior is vehemently condemned, for the most part, fathers teach their sons (directly OR indirectly) that bedding as many women as possible is okay....even something that "real men" do. For this reason, cheating among MEN will always be more accepted than cheating women.

Second, men, who, as a group, typically earn more money than women have MOST of the financial power. Until there is financial equity between men and women, women will always be on the "begging and accepting" end of marital relationships and feel forced to remain with a man who is abusive. And I deliberately use the word "abusive" here because married men (and women) who have sex with other individuals are placing the physical health of their spouses at risk. This is ABUSE of the "innocent spouses" trust, commitment, and integrity.

Third, and MOST important, MANY married women, even if they have philandering, husbands think (or need to believe) that they are better off than a woman who is single and/or unmarried. Herein lies the MAJOR reason WHY cheating men will never change. Case in point: I once heard a woman in her 50's, whose husband like my grandmother used to say, "Had been all over the place" AND had fathered children outside of their marriage actually say how "sorry" she felt for single women who "didn't have anybody" ..... especially during the holidays! Sadly, this same woman's husband would spend PART of the holiday with her and the other part with one of his MANY mistresses! And SHE felt sorry for single women with dignity and self-respect?!?!? REALLY?!?!?!?

The bottom line is that MOST women lack self-esteem. They will shout from the rooftops how highly they think of themselves, but MANY of them choose to remain in relationships that are inequitable in EVERY way.

These women tolerate infidelity from their husbands because: (1) they are materialistic; (2) they feel the need to keep up appearances (even if their life is a living hell); (3) they were reared to believe that a woman should remain with their cheating husbands "til death do you part" (or our husband kill you, OR give you AIDS!); (4) they do not believe that a child should be apart from his/her father; and (5) they do not think that they deserve better.

It was reported that Kobe's wife Vanessa flashed her $ 4 million ring in the face of the R&B singer Brandy, who once dated Kobe at a Laker's game. While a materialitic woman may indeed gloat in the fact that she got "paid" from her husband's infidelity, she will never have the GREATEST gifts that every woman deserve from her husband: namely love, commitment (to her, their children, and the marriage), loyalty, and fidelity.

I think that Dr. Utley raises a great point about the power of silence...one that I would like to connect to the potential for healing. I always remember my mother telling me that if I remained silent, I'd never have anything to take back. Perhaps Mrs. Woods's silence can also be explained as a well-deserved and self-imposed request for time to process, heal and act when the time is right. Her obvious and passionate reaction to the news of her husband's infidelity might be all the drama she's ready to impose on us for the moment. Shouldn't we be thankful for that? After all, there are other things going on in the world...

Well, we are now 2 weeks into the "Tiger Woods Scandal," and as of today, the "mistress tally" is currently up to 13! I guess that it's a horrible time to be a "Calibrasian," right Tiger?!?!?" (LOL)!!!!

anniegirl1138, you raise a very interesting point, but I don't believe that "one affair is okay."

In my conversations with MANY women who have been, OR are currently involved with cheating husbands, every single one of them tell me that they are 100% certain that their husbands would leave them if they even SUSPECTED that they were having an affair. Yet these same women will tolerate one marital discretion after another! In some cases, where their husbands even fathered one or more children! I just do NOT understand this! WHY should women even allow ONE discretion, when their husbands refuse to tolerate ONE from them?!?!?! WHY should women be held to a higher moral standard than men?!?!?!

On another note, even if it is true that Elin has left the marital domocile, I do not see Elin staying away for good. Why? Because the minute that she thinks about Tiger's $120 billion worth, and how easily he can move on with his life (dating and marrying how ever many that he pleases), she will return. Of course, she will not trust him (how can any woman COMPLETELY trust a man who has shown many times that he has been unfaithful?), but she will function under the warped belief that "It's better to stay with him than allow some other woman to get him." Watch and see. Like I said before, MOST women lack self-esteem. Of course, they will never say this aloud, but their actions prove otherwise. And I do not think that Elin is any exception! I mean, if women choose to stay with men who are not famous and have considerably less financially than Tiger Woods, why wouldn't Elin stay?

Again, I am not holding out much hope that she will remain away, but here is hoping that I am wrong about this.