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I am pleased to introduce Susan David Bernstein, “Beyond Pink & Blue’s†first guest columnist! Susan teaches literature and gender studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and has published widely on contemporary feminist theory and the Victorian novel. She is currently working on a study of women writers and activists in the Reading Room of the British Museum, as well as a memoir titled Unlikely Loves.
Here’s Susan:
I discovered new realms of gender profiling before my child was born in August of 1992. Although the sex chromosomes of this eventual baby were recorded in my OB/GYN file, I was adamant that I did not want to know. “Don’t tell me!†I’d shield my eyes, when a nurse or doctor opened my file at an appointment. At that time, it was increasingly common for people to have this knowledge, and from what I witnessed, prenatal gendering took off with a vengeance. I’d hear comments like, “I know this little guy is going to be a quarterback! What a kicker already!†Baby showers became gendered affairs, and the first outfits for the ride home from the hospital were tooled to match that chromosomal information. I was happy instead to receive an array of baby clothes, some blue, some fuschia, one with a rodeo pattern, another with vegetables in reds, greens, and oranges.
So even back then, it was unusual to answer the “what kind of baby are you having?†question with, “I don’t know.†I had an elaborate birth plan which even included a provision about birthing room announcements: I asked my doctor not to say, “It’s a boy!†or “It’s a girl!†but simply, as he did, “Congratulations, you have a healthy baby!†My partner and I even joked about how we’d try not to know those gender-defining genital features of our baby (we’d have someone else do the diapering and bathing for the first month), so that our ingrained notions about gender would be kept at bay. And, we thought, so would those of the world we lived in. Not possible, I discovered, from day one.
I did of course learn I had a daughter within in minutes of her birth, and she was quickly swaddled in a pink blanket. A nurse held out a basket of caps for newborns, all knitted by a women’s league, and I chose a white one with lavender and blue stripes. But later that day my partner and I requested a different blanket, yellow perhaps, or green or white. We learned that the maternity unit only had blue and pink blankets.
This was Madison, Wisconsin, a university town with a history of progressive values; Tammy Baldwin is our congressional representative—the first open lesbian to be elected to the House. Today, in 2009, my daughter is taking a terrific women’s studies class in her high school (the same one Baldwin graduated from); all four public high schools in Madison offer such courses. But in 1992, there were only pink and blue blankets at the hospital. So I asked for a blue one. A nurse entered my room the next morning, glanced at the bassinet, and then asked me cheerily, “And how is your little boy today?†I responded, “I do not have a boy.†The woman peered in the basket, looked a bit alarmed, and hurried out of the room.
Within a few years, the hospital expanded its newborn wardrobe to include prints and other colors. Still, there remain many ways in which the straitjackets of gender identity flourish from before birth through high school. My daughter spent all four years of high school competing on the cross country team where the girls run 4K meets to the boys’ 5K races. And now she’s one of two girls on her high school team of forty wrestlers. She’s also in the gender minority in her advanced chemistry and physics classes. As a family, we’re still learning to navigate the updated variations of pink and blue that we first encountered in 1992.
Comments
gwp_admin — December 1, 2009
Susan! How I love reading you here! And I love that Flora became a wresler! Meanwhile, over here at Roosevelt Hospital in NYC where I gave birth in October, the hats and blankets were all pink-and-blue stripes. Is it gender neutral somehow if it's both pink and blue, or are the two colors themselves, even when combined, still saying something about the limits of our sense of gender itself? A great piece by my friend Lauren Sandler went up at Mother Jones last month on all this--thought I'd share it here: http://www.motherjones.com/media/2009/09/code-pink
Rebecca Tolley-Stokes — December 2, 2009
I'd love to read more advice from Rotskoff on navigating "the straitjackets of gender identity," especially since my daughter just turned one. Reading about the growth and development of her daughter was encouraging and makes me think that helping my daughter develop into the best person she can be regardless of gender, is possible. I resist dressing her in pink. I try to give her neutral toys that any child would want to play with.
Lori Rotskoff — December 2, 2009
Hi Rebecca--I read your comment, and since Susan David Bernstein was the author of this post, I am hoping she will pipe up in the comments next and offer more insights about raising a girl today. I think that dressing our kids in neutral colors and offering a wide variety of toys is a great start. My boys have long passed the toddler stage--they are 8 and 11--and now have their own (very enthusiastic!) ideas about the toys they want to play with and which and t.v. shows they watch. So as our kids age, it goes beyond offering them a gender-neutral range of options for clothing or toys--and requires more discussion and response to the interests, proclivities, and opinions they develop on their own, with their friends, and at school. I have always encouraged my boys to devel0p their artistic and creative sides and to ignore anyone who says that arts and crafts is "girly." Now, they are into stereotypical "boy toys" AND love to draw, do art projects, and create their own comic books.
Susan: please feel free to add more thoughts below!
Susan David Bernstein — December 2, 2009
Rebecca--Thanks for your comment. Like you, I also refrained from the frilly pink clothing and other 'girl' baby markers for the first years. (If you haven't yet, be sure to read the terrific linked article mentioned in Deborah Siegel's comment above!) But once my daughter was choosing her own clothes, I followed her lead, which included gender-neutral styles (and sometimes boy styles like short haircuts, ties, swim trunks). She never went through the pink and frilly phase (although many parents assured me she would), either as a preschooler, an elementary, middle, or high schooler. But I learned that for gender neutral clothing the default assumption is "boy" and most strangers assumed she was a boy from babyhood until age 14. With picture books I aimed for as diverse an assortment as I could find in terms of gender roles (from "William's Doll" to "Girls to the Rescue"), and sometimes I modified the language to make it more inclusive. I really like Stephanie Waxman's "What is a Boy? What is a Girl?" from the 1980s--and so did my daughter!
Lisa Gates — December 2, 2009
Lovely piece! I am so bowled over by how vigilant I have to be about all this. It's one thing to be mindful within the context of our family (raising a son, now 13), but what the culture dishes up to deal with on a daily basis makes for constant work.
Victoria — December 8, 2009
Wonderful! I also gave birth in a Madison, WI hospital twice to a girl each. The first (grudgingly) accepted her pink hat. The second had a blue/purple hat and a yellow blanket. I refused to learn the gender the first time around and ended up with the entire Target "I don't know what It is" selection, but by the time we were home the dresses were landing at our door step at incredible speed. They like pink poofy things now, but oh, how they can play in the mud! I hope not to lead them into trappings of gender rolls, but toward the future of possibilities. Excellent post.