As many of you have noticed, Global Mama has been on vacation. It wasn’t really a planned vacation, more of a hiatus in a busy life. But she’s back!
Truth is, I have been off doing other things this past semester. For one, I had the privilege of being on pre-tenure leave from my teaching job, and boy oh boy, did I have some projects to work on. And I did get a lot of work done. Of course, not everything I might have wanted! But then again, I never do.
You see, I tend to have big eyes. I dream up projects and get terribly excited about them and then, somewhere between making dinner and driving my kids to ice hockey and working full-time and sitting down to a long conversation with my husband and trying to squeeze in phone calls to dear friends, I realize that I simply don’t have enough time.
In the past, I have compensated with one of two methods: not sleeping at night, and working during the weekends. Frankly, #1 makes me irritable and cranky (I am a solid 9-hour-a-night sleeper) and #2 is no longer acceptable. Weekends are for play, and my kids are no longer babies who take long naps and simply come along for the ride. They can play by themselves and with their friends, sure, but it also turns out that we are a high-energy family who likes to go places and take hikes and play sports and spend time with one another. Which means that working during the weekend not only makes everyone else (most of all my husband) irritated—it makes me cranky and feeling like I am missing out on all the fun.
So I made a very conscious decision to live my life with balance this past fall, and guess what? I did. I worked, but I also played. I wrote in my journal. I read books that have been on my reading list for years. I took Spanish lessons so that I could help my daughter with her homework (she’s in a dual-language program, a topic that I wrote about here). I went to all of the school events: the Halloween parade, the winter concert, the gingerbread house art day. I even (horrors) found myself on a school committee.
During the (unseasonably cold) first- and second-grade Halloween parade (I think the weather was hovering around 40 degrees), which consisted of the kids walking around the concrete parking lot in costume while the middle school band played what they had managed to learn in two months of school (the same medley, over and over…), my daughter giggled the entire time. This despite the fact that we had rejected her idea of bringing a light saber to the parade (per the school’s detailed Parade Instruction Note). Even without her weapon of choice, she proudly strutted around, showing off her paper-thin Luke Skywalker costume. (Her flourish had been to pull her hair back into a low ponytail, so that she looked just like a boy.)
I turned to another parent and asked, “Do they always hold the parade on Friday?” And when she nodded yes, I realized: this was the first time I had made it. I had missed, all those other years, because I had been at work. I suddenly felt empty and hollow inside. I promised myself not to miss the next one.
Now, before I get too sentimental, I will also say that as I walked to my car, wishing I had remembered to wear a hat, I was thinking about a couple of other things. For one, being a mom who obsessively worries, I could not help but wonder: how many kids will get sick after parading around for so long in their flimsy costumes? For another, what about all the parents who have no job flexibility to attend a Halloween parade on a Friday morning? A lot of middle- and working-class families live in our school district, a lot of them Spanish-speaking, many of them recent immigrants who are working very hard simply to survive. (In fact, a lot of families are working very hard simply to survive.) Should we really be holding all of these events that many parents can’t attend? They are, after all, fairly impractical and, from an adult perspective, unnecessary.
This last semester taught me something else, though: having fun is really, really important. Kids need to play, and you know what? Adults do, too. (And based on all my reading this semester, I might even argue that art is a sophisticated form of adult play… but that’s for another day!)
So I have also promised myself to keep the spirit of play alive, as I go back to the classroom this semester. Maybe I can’t require my college students to parade around in costume, but I can certainly work on figuring out ways of keeping it fun for all of us.
Comments
Deborah Siegel — January 15, 2011
Alright, so you may be in tears after reading my post at She Writes, but now I'm in tears -- the happy kind -- after reading yours! Global Mama, you inspire the crap outa me with this statement of lived balance. You walk the walk, and we all need more examples of that. So thank you, my friend. And welcome back to GWP!
Judith — January 15, 2011
Thanks for this post, Heather. As someone who is struggling with all the same things, it's so helpful to read about the ways others are striking the balance (and their challenges along the way). I find that it's a day-to-day process of reinvention -- the right balance one day isn't necessarily right the next -- but it's also important to hold on to the insights we glean along the way about what works best for our selves and our families.
Gretchen Seefried — January 16, 2011
This is so great to see recognized name like yours to be walking the talk. After my recent long weekend at Miraval, I have been much better at realizing that all work and no play makes Gretchen a very unhealthy chick. Thx for the reminder that life will not only go on, but actually expand, when we take time off from "work".
Andrea Doucet — January 16, 2011
I enjoyed reading this, Heather. It spoke volumes to me as a professor/mom who also worries obsessively about the kids and who needs lots of reminders to play and have fun.
It also strikes me that Canada may be a kinder place for balancing parenting with academic life. One reason for this: Having access to 15 weeks (paid) maternity leave + 35 weeks (paid) parental leave (the latter open to men or women) has helped to change workplace cultures in ways that can and do promote ideals of flexibility and balance. For both women and men.
Things are not perfect. It is still overwhelmingly women who take leave and they take much more time off than men do. And part-time faculty and graduate students don't have access to full parental leave benefits. I also think that seniority makes a difference; the pre-tenure years (which last only about 5 years in Canada) are demanding, especially now with neoliberal restructuring and business model ideas increasing our workloads.
Nevertheless, a lot has changed here in Canada. After a decade of publicly promoted parental leave for men, I've observed more and more men in my university taking some leave and joining this important conversation about work-family balance.
Ten years ago, I used to hide the fact that I was going to the school concert or basketball game in the middle of the day. Now I am open and vocal about this fact. Yes, it’s partly because I've gone through those damn academic ‘hoops’. But it’s also because the dad down the hall is doing the same thing.
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Ann White HIll — February 19, 2011
What a treat to read your writings. Heather, I can hear you talk as you write and it still makes me smile, as it did through middle and high school. Having 3 girls, this article inspires me to spend my time more wisely with my family. Even though I dont' work, I find it much to easy to get too caught up in the details of the day. I would love to hear from you and hope to see you sometime soon!