I’m a day late in posting this month’s Mama w/Pen column because, well, this mama has gone back to work. With huge passion for the venture and a pang of guilt in my heart (froze my first packet of breast milk last night in preparation for spending feeding time away), I join the legions of working parents who work at paid employment and at raising kids. Canned words like “juggle,†“balance†(which, from what I’ve seen and heard, is nonexistent) and “prioritize†(clumsy, inhuman term) allegedly now take on meaning. In truth, it’s always been a juggle—far before parenthood set in.
And yet. As my brain works to adapt to new realities, the imperative to multitask feels more intense–and actually absurd. This morning, when my partner Kamy Wicoff came over for a kick-off meeting with me, I actually found myself thinking “Will you take this breast and feed Teo for a sec while I write that email?†As if the parts were interchangeable—a milk-producing breast and a keyboard being merely two comparable peripherals to accomplish what I needed to do. It’s the same impulse that’s made me want to hit control “s†when I’ve had a thought I haven’t wanted to forget, but no pen in hand. Funny, how the brain plays tricks on you. My desire to be hyper-effective is that grand.
That desire isn’t new, only newly inflected. Now that Anya and Teo are here, the thousand and one things my brain focuses on in any given day here in this hyperstimulating city of New York become a thousand and two—or rather, a thousand and three, a thousand and ninety-four (there are two babies, after all!). The beloved new additions occupy not just bandwidth, of course, but a supersized chunk of my heart. They say your heart grows extra chambers when love is this big, and I’ve definitely felt those chambers expand. The trick, now, is how to put body, mind, and heart in service of the multiple jobs that must be done. I’m going to need a word far better than “juggle†to accomplish that trade. I’m open to suggestion. Any takers?
(PS. Today is my mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday, new Grandma Renee!)
Comments
Alison — January 6, 2010
It does get easier! But it's hard, hard at first--I found that nothing was intuitively obvious, and I was always afraid I was doing something wrong, in parenting and in working.
The nice thing was that my sense of my footing in the workplace came back fairly quickly, and my work life ended up being very grounding for me. I am a better parent because I work--this is not true for everyone, but it is absolutely true for me.
--Alison
Deborah Siegel — January 10, 2010
Thank you for this Alison. Your words go far over here.
Interesting convo on it all (esp, "balance" vs. "integrity") over at the Writer, PhD group at www.shewrites.com -- thank you, Heather, for flagging it for me.
Shawn — January 19, 2010
Did I just read about you in an AP article? You're so lucky that your husband "helps out" with child care. I hope that was a poor choice of words on the reporter's part!