It was recently pointed out to me by my dear observant friend Daphne that when talking about this pregnancy with her, I haven’t once said anything about the fact that there will soon be two new little beings around here (knock on wood) and that I will be their mother. I think the reason for my reticence lies snug inside those two parentheses: knock wood.
I am not, in general, a superstitious person. My grandmother, an orthodox Jew who would have been 100 last week had she lived just two more years, believed in the evil eye. Before getting pregnant, I neither knocked on wood nor spat three times (the Jewish equivalent) when mentioning a hope or a dream. And yet I’ve been a bundle of superstitious tentativeness when it comes to talking about the life forms I’m gestating as real people who will one day exist outside.
Why?
My mother, a therapist, says it’s obvious: “Self-protection, honey,†says she. And it’s true. I’m of advanced maternal age and I’m carrying twins, which automatically throws me into categorical high alert. But I’ve been carrying this unfathomably wondrous primordial soup in my uterus now for almost 27 weeks, and all has unfolded, so far, according to plan. When, I wonder, will I allow myself to hope, to dream, out loud?
I have never, ever wanted something this much. Well, that’s not completely true. I wanted a husband, and then, when the first one didn’t work out so well, I wanted another. I wanted a book contract, and later a second and a third. I achieved those things. I’ve been blessed (if you believe in that sort of thing), and I’ve worked hard to realize my desires. But with pregnancy, it feels different. We did everything in the book—and then some—to get to this point, but from here on in, it’s pretty much out of our hands.
The universe is encouraging, helping gently to push me along. Last week Daphne sent me an envelope in the mail with a note scrawled on the outside: “the first of many hand-me-downs from me!†Inside were two little sets of newborn-sized socks. The gear amasses. My mother-in-law sent baby shoes. A friend from childhood, herself a twin, gave me two matching onesies with images of the Dr. Seuss creatures, “Thing 1†and “Thing 2.†My aunt corralled a gently used double stroller from her physical therapist. My cousin has offered me her breast pump. Soon it will be time to get the babies’ room, currently full of boxes from our recent move, in shape for its forthcoming residents. I’ve been calling it “the second bedroom.†I can barely even say “babies’ room.â€
Don’t get me wrong—I’m moved beyond language at the thought that there will be babies. When I see newborns on the street, I choke up. Just thinking about those teeny socks makes me cry. It’s just that somewhere between the concept “babies†and the reality “my babies,†or rather, “our babies,†my thoughts get lost in translation. Lost in gestation, maybe. (Have any of you, I bet, I hope, felt this way?!)
For now, it’s easier to think of these inexplicable creatures that rumble in my belly as my own private primordial entourage. They’re in there doing their thing, and I’m out here doing mine. I wonder if I should be talking to them more. I try to get my husband to put his mouth near my belly and sing. But we both have trouble, it seems, relating to them as people who can connect to us as “Mom†and “Dad.†It will be different, I know, when we’re all out here living on the same side.
For now, they’ll remain a mystery. They’re abstract to me, but I can’t wait for them to become concrete. Yesterday my friend Kathy suggested I write them a letter. And maybe I will. This is how it might start:
Dear Baby Things (1&2),
Keep cooking. I’m here for you, waiting. You may be my entourage, but I’m your number one fan.
Love,
Your Mama-to-be
Comments
Renee Siegel — August 14, 2009
brings tears to my eyes!!!!! Hang in there--
Love, mom
Alison — August 14, 2009
I had friends who regularly read to their pregnant stomachs, but Walter and I never did that much. It was hard to relate to Maybelle until she was really here--and even then, it took me a few months to feel like I could relate to her. Even after she was born she was still more an abstract concept than a person for a while. But she became more and more real.
The hand me downs were a huge help to us--they definitely helped me to feel like a baby was coming.
Patti Binder — August 14, 2009
I have noticed that some of my friends who have been pregnant adopt a nickname for the baby-in-utero that is just for that time period. My Dad called my sister garbanzo bean in utero, my other friend called her first child kiwi, and the second kumquat.
None of the nicknames follow the baby once out of the womb and actually exists on their own. It makes sense to me (as a complete observer to this process, having never been pregnant) that you might relate one way to the baby while she/he is cooking, and another once he/she is out of the oven.
molly — August 14, 2009
Don't forget to say 'yes' to this,that, and everything!! I love the idea of wrting notes to the 'Baby Things' - super sweet.
-molly.
Sarah Saffian — August 14, 2009
A lovely post. I too have friends who nicknamed their babies while in utero -- "chickpea" and "schnork" were my favorites. Some referred to them by the actual names they'd chosen. I've also heard that knowing the gender -- being able to say "he" and "she" rather than "it" -- helps make the humans-in-progress less abstract. Once they're born, one of the myriad interesting realizations in this transition from inside to outside: they're separate, autonomous people, right from the start. And that's a weird, but wonderful thing.
E.G. Hines — August 14, 2009
We called A "Thumpy" while she was in utero, and that definitely helped me feel as if I could build some kind of relationship with her before she arrived... Not that it really matters: Every little thing in life changes the moment you look into those eyes for the first time. Seriously.
And on the topic of superstition: Four months in, I still rub this lucky Buddha coin I was given at a massage at least 6 times a day, and once walked a block out of my way--still hobbled from my C-section--to avoid passing under a ladder. So don't expect all the knocking on wood to disappear once they get here... In fact, you'll probably be doing it even more!
Deborah Siegel — August 14, 2009
Alison, Patti, Molly, Sarah, E.G., and, um Mom:
Thank you for these wise words, all of them. We've been kinda calling them "Baby A" and "Baby B," since that's the technical name they print on the ultrasounds, but it's not very creative or bonding-inducing! Marco has dubbed them "the glimmerati," because we used to refer to "the glimmer," as in "a glimmer in my eye" before Babies A and B were conceived (as in petri dish conceived!). I love hearing what others have called their in-utero progeny. And also how all of you describe the transition from inside to outside, and the abstraction of it all. I can't tell you how much I love reading your comments. Pregnancy feels like such a solitary, in-body experience in some ways, and it's a relief not to feel so alone!
Paula Kamen — August 14, 2009
Again, very nice posting. I'd also advise you to embrace all the celebration about the children about to come into your life. I learned to do that after a friend offered to have a baby shower for me last year. At first aghast, I turned her down, thinking I was tempting fate and doing something very"unJewish" or in bad taste (like putting mayo on corned beef). My mom consulted her rabbi, who surprisingly said to go ahead, that the restrictions against celebrating the baby are based in superstition, not the core religion. It ended up being a wonderful celebration, and a time to re-connect with friends. when I use the different items I received there, I think of each gift-giver and their support.
PS: I also now recommend delicious shellfish, after a childhood of keeping kosher, but that's a different posting....:)
Daphne — August 16, 2009
I love this! And, um, your writing juices? "Primordial entourage" and "lost in gestation." Fantastic turns of phrase. Your writing juices are not in the least diluted. Go, go, go!
Deborah Siegel — August 16, 2009
Paula, LOL mayo and corned beef! I felt precisely the same way about baby showers as you first did, having internalized that Jewish supersition thing about them along the way. And then Daphne and my friend Heather offered to throw me one and I changed my tune. I realized how hungry I am for the ritual of gathering my ladies together and just being with them to mark this crazy transition. I'm so glad to hear this story from you.
And Daph, sweet coeditor, writing collaborateur, and supplier of newborn socks, thank you for the feedback and the encouragement re the writing. It's really making me feel more connected to this all, and to all of you who have been here before too. I will try to keep it going!
xo
BLOGGING PREGNANCY: “You Are Not Alone†| Girl with Pen — August 19, 2009
[...] time for me to admit it: I’m getting scared. In less than 10 weeks (knock wood, pu pu pu – sorry can’t help it), my body will somehow, with whatever degree of medical intervention, bear forth two new beings [...]
Adena — August 21, 2009
I'm feeling nostalgic for that dreamy time before the baby arrives when all you can do is imagine...Soon you will be VERY busy with 2 little ones. Believe me, they will arrive, and make themselves known...LOUDLY. Try to rest up and gather your resources together...interesting times lie ahead...
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[...] GWP and mine, and fellow writer, Daphne Uviller – who I’ve been writing about of late, here and here! [...]
catherine — August 28, 2009
I lost our first born at 22 weeks, and my next pregnancy was totally stress city-- the fear and dread. It went well, got to 36 weeks. Then four years later we tried it again, and again succeeded. I remember especially the 28-week mark, and wrote about it on my blog:
http://catherine.blog-city.com/28_weeks_dotted_line_to_excellent_chance_of_survival.htm
It's just a scary time, but really it's the point where you made it. You're going to be okay. The rest of gestation from here on out is just gravy!
Good luck, Catherine
BLOGGING PREGNANCY: The Third Trimester Begins | Girl with Pen — September 4, 2009
[...] my body will continue do its bizarre miraculous thing in spite of what I think or say or do (pu pu pu), I’m slowly starting to have confidence that my intractable mind will stretch to incorporate [...]