I’ve been so busy during this pregnancy either a) puking or b) helping start a social networking site and company that I haven’t found time to write much–or even journal about–the bizarro incredible experience that is pregnancy itself.
Part of me has feared that “pregnant women are smug”, and pregnant women writing about pregnancy are the smuggest of them all. In other words, to say anything in public is to risk falling in with the sanctimonious mommy crowd. Perhaps this fear has something to do with the fact that one of the only times I pregnancy blogged these past few months, over at Recessionwire, I got flamed. (Thin skin anyone? I blame the hormones. Thankfully, the editors took the really nasty ones down.) Of course, it probably didn’t help that I gave that post a sanctimonious title, “The Fortune Within”, though in my defense, I used that title because I had wanted to contrast the way I felt about this much-tried-for pregnancy with the major theme I’d been writing about over there–love in the time of layoff, my lack of fortune without. But apparently some commentors felt that any woman who writes about pregnancy is, well, smug.
So here I am trying again, after recent promptings from friends, therapists, and even my business partner. Why not write about pregnancy, these people ask me, when it’s so foremost on your mind?
Whenever I try to kick myself into writing gear, I start reading again. I realized the only two pregnancy/motherhood-related books I’d read during this pregnancy so far had clinical titles like The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Twins!: Pregnancy, Birth, and the First Year of Life. The first had been given to me by my husband, the second by my husband’s mother. When I gave myself permission to go one step deeper, I had reached for Amy Tiemann’s Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family and Amy Richards’ Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself. These books helped me feel it was possible to have a kid (two, in my case) and still have a professional life. (THANK YOU, brilliant Amys!) But they didn’t inspire me to write about what I was going through myself.
So the other week, I turned to memoir. Thanks to the “Motherhood Books” group that Jennifer Niesslein formed over at SHE WRITES, I remembered I’d always wanted to read Anne Lamott’s Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year, when the time came. That time, apparently, is now. Anne Lamott is so quirky, so brutally and painfully honest about the horrible things as well as the beauty, that I got inspired. She’s the opposite of smug. And she makes it seem ok to want to tell the truth–which for me, has not been all shiny and baby blue and powder pink. For me, the truth of twin pregnancy at age 40 has so far been about trying to balance physical ailments of striking (yet normal, apparently) proportions with an intense struggle to slow my life down enough to make room for an impending reality for which I feel massively ill-prepared.
And so here I sit, at 5:00am with pregnancy insomnia, tiny miracles kicking around inside me, writing about writing about pregnancy. I don’t think I’m quite writing about it yet, but hey, it’s a start.
(Does this picture make me look smug?!)
Comments
Alison — August 7, 2009
I'm glad you're writing about your pregnancy--I've been curious about how it's going, and how you're feeling/thinking. I read Operating Instructions years ago, when I first got into Anne Lamott, and then I reread it after Maybelle was born and found it resonated so much with me. She gives voice to the kind of maternal ambivalence I was feeling, and feeling guilty about.
It's tough to think about, not to mention write about, pregnancy and motherhood in ways that don't immediately become cliches, or open you up to various kinds of condemnation. But I think it's such important work to do--and you definitely have a community these days of smart, powerful women who are working to make careers, families, and egalitarian parenting all happen in their lives.
Renee Siegel — August 7, 2009
What has happened that the world of women (and men) has become either cynical or so jealous that they can't give a pregnant woman a chance to express herself? I have always admired women who are pregnant and who try to work out the struggles and ambivalences that go with the "job". I like to hear what a pregnant woman is thinking and doing, much in the same vein that I enjoy hearing what your generation, in general, is thinking and doing. Keep writing, Debbie
Your "unbiased" mom, Renee
Amy R — August 7, 2009
You're fantastic! Have you joined a pregnancy community outside of your family and friends? There's a great one at SimplePregnancy.com that's as wonderful as you. You should check it out. Let your other pregnancy family and friends know about it too!
gwp_admin — August 7, 2009
Thank you for these ever-encouraging comments, Alison, Amy, and (ha) Mom. Amy, I will def check out SimplePregnancy -- I hadn't heard of that yet, so thank you. I love you all!!! xoD
Cristina Pippa — August 7, 2009
Deborah, it's so good to hear that you're pregnant with twins! And that you're blogging about it! I'm due in two weeks and really haven't blogged about my pregnancy, although I guess it's popped up a couple of times in my Crucial Minutiae posts.
To be honest, I didn't blog about it or tell anyone outside of close friends and family until the fifth month because I was nervous that a writing opportunity I was up for would disappear in a heartbeat if the deciders knew that I was pregnant. How's that for not much confidence in the advancements of how "useful" people find pregnant women?
In any case, now I'm excited and anxious and couldn't care less what anyone else thinks! Good luck to you in this adventure!
Laura Didyk — August 8, 2009
Deborah,
Thank you for this. This is totally how I write: I don't feel anymore that I must go beyond that first self-conscious layer and right into something "made." I almost always have to write through that "writing about writing about _______" before I can really move into the stuff I want to get to (sometimes, I realize that what I wanted to get to is actually in that "writing about writing about ____."
anyway, very cool. Hopefully this will set you free from all the crap that apparently got thrown at you.
Smug? Whatever.
-Laura
Madeline — August 8, 2009
I am thrilled you are writing about your pregnancy. One of the reasons pe0ple gravitate to a blog is the connection they feel to the blogger...the style of their voice and the insight that "she" brings to any topic she blogs about.
If someone is reading you on recession wire it would make sense that they are drawn to your character...regardless of topic.
I've been worried that we haven't heard much from you...thank you for sharing why and I can't wait to hear what you have to say.
Both my pregnancies are still vivid in my mind!
And you do not look smug...very snug, however!
Take good care,
Madeline
Rachel — August 8, 2009
The least smug pregnancy writing I've read is at dooce.com. Her post about her labor with her second daughter is laugh out loud funny and her take on motherhood, depression and pregnancy is refreshing. She doesn't elevate motherhood into some kind of mythical experience, but presents it as a part of life and that a sense of humor is an imperative.
Rebecca — August 9, 2009
Thank you so much for this post, and for the article you wrote on Recessionwire. I think it's important for feminist women to break the silence of pregnancy and parenting. I'm so tired of women portraying motherhood as one-dimensional. It's either all perfectly good or all perfectly horrid. As a woman who is struggling with the decision of whether or not to ever have children, these polar opposite narratives make me completely fearful of the unknown. Your narrative, however, is a mixture of both. It's human and realistic and a bit surprised by the joy of it all. I love it. Keep writing!
Adena — August 9, 2009
I, too, am happy to see you writing about your pregnancy....large photo, please... also, check out Mojo Mom's book, it's excellent... http://www.mojomom.com
Adena — August 9, 2009
I meant "larger photo, please". See what motherhood does to you?
Small Worries · Crucial Minutiae — August 10, 2009
[...] going to take a page out of Girl with Pen’s and Dooce’s sites and “pregnancy blog.” Less than two weeks to the day [...]
gwp_admin — August 11, 2009
Cristina: CONGRATULATIONS! Oh my gosh, I had no idea you were preggers too. I hear you on the "disclosure" front, professionally speaking. Sigh.
Laura D: I heart you. So much. "Hopefully this will set you free from all the crap that apparently got thrown at you. " It has. And more to the point, so have warm comments like yours!
Madeline writes, "One of the reasons people gravitate to a blog is the connection they feel to the blogger…the style of their voice and the insight that “she†brings to any topic she blogs about." I think this pregnancy post has generated more comments than MOST of my recent posts, so case in point! Snug, haha.
Rachel: Thank you for the push to check out Dooce. I'm so there. As soon as I finish writing this comment.
Rebecca and Adena: You have made my day.
More from me -- and my, um, pregnancy -- coming here at GWP SOON! xoDeborah
Blogging Mo’ Pregnancy…Soon! | Girl with Pen — August 11, 2009
[...] am so heartened by the comments on my post from last week, “Blogging Pregnancy…or Not.” Thank you, from my heart. I just responded, in comments, more individually, but I wanted to give a [...]
Paula Kamen — August 12, 2009
Another great book (but often neglected in conversation) along the lines of "Operating Instructions" which I'd highly recommend, is Great with Child: Letters to a Young Mother. Even though I'm far from a young mother, I really got a lot out of this book while pregnant with my first child last year to meditate on the complexities, challenges and triumphs of the first years of motherhood. It's by an accomplished poet, whose writing is a sheer joy to read, producing the type of sentences you want to read again and again to really appreciate. The book's structure is based on her letters to a former student expecting a first child. It was recommended to me by the owner of Women and Children First Bookstore here in Chicago; I had never before heard of it.
I also recommend Bad Mother, by Ayelet Waldman, which definitely does not sugarcoat motherhood or portray it in black and white terms. Some light -- and some very intense topics (such as the author's bipolar disorder and her second-trimester abortion after her amnio showed a possible chromosomal problem).
Deborah Siegel — August 13, 2009
Paula, thank you for these two suggestions! I finished Operating Instructions last night and miss it already so am hungry for another book. Off to order these two today! xo D