Hello, I’m Jony Ive, Senior Vice President of Design at Apple, and I want to tell you about a new product that you will absolutely love. It has been crafted with pain-staking attention to detail. Absolutely every aspect of this phone has been given the kind of care that you have come to expect from an Apple product. The seamless integration of hardware and software produces a product that, once you use it, will make you wonder how you lived your life without it. Today I’m thrilled to announce our best iPhone yet. We’ve crafted a phone that works and smells just the way you expect it to and we’re calling it iPhone Pumpkin Spice.

iPhone Pumpkin Spice is like no other phone you’ve ever used. It is 0.02 centimeters thinner than our last iPhone and it smells 100% more like a pumpkin spice latte.  No other phone on the market today can claim that.

What sets iPhone Pumpkin Spice apart from other phones is not just the pungent aroma of nutmeg, clove, and ginger mixing with off-gassing plastic adhesives, it is the way we have meticulously integrated the idea of pumpkin spice throughout the phone. We’ve added a photo filter specially designed to accentuate the colors found at the top of a freshly made latte. Your Instagramed weekly post-work, pre-yoga beverage will look better than it ever has before. We have also developed an all-new app that lets you record your favorite things about fall and send them out over social media at regular intervals to your friends and family.

With iPhone Pumpkin Spice, our working relationship with Starbucks has never been more important. You can already buy Starbucks products through the dedicated Starbucks app, but we didn’t think that went far enough. We wanted to integrate impulse purchasing of seasonally flavored coffee throughout the phone. That is why Apple and Starbucks engineers have teamed up to develop a GPS feature that will alert surrounding stores to your presence so that Starbucks associates can adjust, in real time, the amount of pumpkin spice flavored food products available in the store. It is nothing short of magical.

The phone’s casing is an engineering triumph all its own. Our design team painstakingly reproduced what is certainly the most pumpkin-y orange you have ever seen on a phone. A porous layer in the casing releases the constant, yet subtle aroma you love so much, while maintaining a stylish matte finish. It is unapologetically pumpkin spice flavored. You will literally feel compelled to drink your phone on a daily basis. It is that good.

We at Apple only make products that we would use. That’s why all iPhones, including iPhone Pumpkin Spice, are completely compatible with the Toyota Prius’s onboard computer, the Nike Fuel band, all Jawbone products, and quinoa.

iPhone Pumpkin Spice joins the recently released iPhone 5s and 5c to round out our holiday lineup. While we realize that pumpkin spice is only (marginally) socially acceptable between September and November; we are confident that we can do to the seasonal flavoring industry what we have already done to the music and cell phone industries: obliterate them into a relentless, kaleidoscopic parade of marginally different products that are desirable insomuch as they shatter and undermine the low expectations we set for ourselves through complete oligarchic domination of entire sectors of the economy. iPhone Egg Nog and iPad Mini Ginger Bread will be available by Black Friday.

David said everything he wanted to say about horse_ebooks on Twitter. He’s also on Tumblr.