Have you ever wondered how much we say during sex without uttering a single word? While verbal communication often steals the spotlight, our new study dives into the quieter, subtler world of nonverbal cues and their impact on intimacy. We analyzed the sexual communication patterns of 78 participants, uncovering fascinating insights into what we share—and don’t share—during our most intimate moments.

This study builds on a growing body of research around sexual communication. While much of the existing literature focuses on what we say outside the bedroom, but we examined how we express pleasure, discomfort, and needs in the moment. Spoiler: nonverbal communication plays a starring role.

The Art of (Not) Saying It

When it comes to communicating during sex, participants revealed a preference for letting their bodies do the talking. Many shared that moans, gasps, or even subtle shifts in body position often feel safer and more effective than verbal cues. Why? For some, it’s about sparing their partner’s feelings. As one woman shared, “I’m very responsive with arching my back or moaning. I try to let him know he’s doing a good job with that instead of vocally because I’m not super good at getting what I want to say across correctly, and nonverbal signs aren’t usually miscommunicated between us.”

Others reported that nonverbal communication creates a deeper, more intuitive connection. “As one man explained, “I try to refrain from verbal communication during sex because it takes away from the moment. I’ll pay attention to her and the things that she’s enjoying, while also taking action to make myself comfortable.” Many participants felt that tuning into nonverbal cues allowed for a more seamless, instinctive connection between partners.

However, the study also highlighted a reluctance to express anything negative. One women admitted she would rather endure discomfort than risk offending their partner by saying, “That doesn’t feel good.” This echoes broader societal norms that prioritize affirming men’s sexual prowess while minimizing women’s needs.

Why We Hold Back

The reluctance to communicate isn’t just about politeness. It’s rooted in deeper social dynamics. Participants cited concerns about fragile masculinity, relationship stability, and even personal insecurities as barriers to open communication. Women, in particular, described how societal expectations of femininity often pressure them to prioritize their partner’s experience over their own comfort or pleasure. One woman explained, “I’ve told him that [my not orgasming is] not a huge deal. I don’t want him to feel like he is doing something wrong because I’m not getting off.” Her statement shows how societal expectations of femininity can pressure women to prioritize their partner’s experience over their own pleasure.

Interestingly, male participants were less likely to report withholding negative feedback. While this could reflect traditional gender norms around emotional expression, it also raises questions about how men and women perceive their roles in sexual encounters.

What This Means for Intimacy

Nonverbal cues aren’t inherently better or worse than verbal communication, but they do highlight the complexity of intimacy. The study suggests that building trust and comfort with a partner is key to fostering open communication—whether it’s spoken or silent. As one participant shared, “When I feel safe with my partner, it’s easier to say what I need or want.”

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

The next time you’re navigating an intimate moment, remember: sometimes it’s not about the words you say, but the signals you give and how open you are to receiving them.

Our sexual experiences are shaped not just by what we do, but by how we communicate in the moment. Nonverbal cues—whether a lingering touch, a slight shift, or even shared eye contact—can deepen connection and foster understanding in ways words sometimes cannot. But that doesn’t mean silence is always golden. Building intimacy requires a willingness to bridge the gap between action and expression, creating a space where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.

At the heart of it all is a simple but powerful truth: great sex isn’t about perfection or performance. It’s about paying attention, not just to what your partner needs, but to what you’re experiencing together in real time. By leaning into this awareness, we can cultivate intimacy that feels not only satisfying but transformative.

So, as you move forward in your relationships, consider this: what’s the balance between your verbal and nonverbal communication? Are you creating space for honesty and connection? And how can you ensure that both you and your partner feel safe to express yourselves fully, in whatever ways feel most natural?

Because when it comes to great sex, it’s not just what’s said that matters. It’s about what’s understood and felt.

Alicia M. Walker is Associate Professor of Sociology at Missouri State University and the author of two previous books on infidelity, and a forthcoming book, Bound by BDSM: Unexpected Lessons for Building a Happier Life (Bloomsbury Fall 2025) coauthored with Arielle Kuperberg. She is the current Editor in Chief of the Council of Contemporary Families blog, serves as Senior Fellow with CCF, and serves as Co-Chair of CCF alongside Arielle Kuperberg. Learn more about her on her website. Follow her on Twitter or Bluesky at @AliciaMWalker1, Facebook, and Instagram @aliciamwalkerphd