When was the last time you heard someone say they wanted sex that was just “good”? Ever heard anyone wax nostalgic about an “average” sexual experience they had? Probably not.

Whether scrolling through social media, thumbing through glossy magazine pages, or even in late-night chats with friends, the talk is always about making sex great. But what actually separates great sex from the merely good?

In a companion piece published earlier, we explored how chemistry, connection, and orgasms topped the list for “great sex” components. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, we thought you might enjoy learning about three more surprising but essential ingredients for great sex: sexual skills, sexual responsiveness, and sexual mindfulness.

1. Sexual Skills: More Than Just Techniques

Sure, knowing your way around your partner’s body is important. But sexual skills go beyond just technique. They include reading body language, understanding non-verbal cues, and adapting to your partner’s unique needs and desires. As one participant explained, “It’s about knowing when to lead, when to follow, and when to simply listen.” For them, great sex wasn’t just about physical acts; it was about creating an experience of mutual understanding and connection.

Yet, as with any skill, there’s a catch. When sexual prowess becomes a competition or a source of personal validation, the focus shifts from connection to ego. One man shared, “I caused a lot of first orgasms, and I’m prouder of that than anything else I’ve done.” For some, sexual prowess can become a source of personal validation, shifting the focus from mutual connection to individual ego. Great sex demands shared joy, not a race to the orgasm finish line.

2. Sexual Responsiveness: Listening Without Words

You definitely don’t want to feel like you’re invisible during a sexual encounter. Participants described bad sex as encounters where their partner was oblivious to their needs, treating them more like an accessory than an equal participant. As one woman put it, “I could have been a blow-up doll, and it wouldn’t have mattered.”

Responsiveness changes the game. It’s about tuning into your partner’s signals, both verbal and non-verbal, and showing genuine care for their pleasure—or even their lack of desire. In healthy relationships, responsiveness fosters trust and a sense of safety, allowing couples to navigate everything from mismatched libidos to periods of low sexual interest. As one woman said, “Sex with my lover is GREAT sex no matter what is added or what is remiss. He always has ‘ME’ in mind when he is thinking of his next move. No matter if it’s what can I do with this ice cube or what happens if I touch her there. There’s always tomorrow, and it’s always good, or we stop, readjust, and try something else new or something that is tried and true.”

3. Sexual Mindfulness: Being Fully Present

Imagine this: You’re completely in the moment, free from insecurities about your body or worries about how you’re “performing.” You’re not thinking about tomorrow’s to-do list or whether you left the stove on. You’re just… there. That’s sexual mindfulness, and according to our participants, it’s a hallmark of great sex. One woman shared, “When I let go of my insecurities and focused entirely on the sensations, it was like discovering a new level of intimacy.” Many participants explained how being fully present can transform a sexual encounter into a profoundly connected experience.

But mindfulness can be elusive, especially for those grappling with body image issues. One woman confessed, “The lights were on, and I just feel less insecure with them off.” For many women, societal pressures about appearance create barriers to fully enjoying the experience. However, as body confidence grows, so does the ability to relax and embrace the moment.

What Does This Mean for You?

These findings challenge us to think beyond the basics of “good sex” advice like trying new positions or spicing things up. Instead, they invite us to focus on the deeper, often overlooked aspects of connection:

• Are you actively honing your sexual skills by learning about your partner’s desires?
• Do you practice responsiveness, making sure your partner feels heard and valued in the bedroom?
• And finally, can you let go of distractions and insecurities to be fully present?

Alicia M. Walker is Associate Professor of Sociology at Missouri State University and the author of two previous books on infidelity, and a forthcoming book, Bound by BDSM: What Practitioners can teach Everyone about Building a Happier Life (Bloomsbury Fall 2025) coauthored with Arielle Kuperberg. She is the current Editor in Chief of the Council of Contemporary Families blog, serves as Senior Fellow with CCF, and serves as Co-Chair of CCF alongside Arielle Kuperberg. Learn more about her on her website. Follow her on Twitter or Bluesky at @AliciaMWalker1, Facebook, and Instagram @aliciamwalkerphd