For parents of color in the U.S., talking to their kids about race and racism is a fundamental aspect of parenting, but for white parents, most try to avoid these topics, or offer unhelpful lessons to “treat everyone the same.” This approach ultimately perpetuates colorblind racism and allows white privilege to remain a “lived but not seen” aspect of growing up white. However, a growing minority of “antiracist” white parents have begun intentionally speaking with their kids about systemic racism and whiteness. Both white moms and white dads report a desire to raise racially aware white children, but little is known about who is leading these efforts within white families and why.

In our recent Social Problems article, we examine this question using interview data from 28 “antiracist” white parents in heterosexual marriages to examine how and why gender influences which parent is more likely to discuss race/racism with their children.

In theory, the white moms and dads shared similar beliefs about race/racism and the importance of discussing these topics with their kids. In practice, however, moms disproportionately led these conversations. We trace this divergence between parents’ shared principals but unequal practices back to moms’ distinctively antiracist embrace of intensive mothering—a cultural ideology with extremely high expectations for moms’ involvement in their kids’ lives. More specifically, we highlight how moms refashioned three intensive mothering practices to develop the tools, resources, opportunities, and a sense of integrity needed to proactively talk with their kids about race.

(1) Moms pursued expert-guided education on race/racism. They listened to podcasts, joined book clubs, attended workshops, and followed DEI professionals on social media. Gracie, for example, described seeking guidance before her son was even old enough to talk: “I did research one night about talking to your kid about race, and found a book…I was just like, I need a place to start. I need some ideas. Let’s go to a professional.”  

(2) Moms took a hands-on role in their kids’ education, which allowed them to recognize racism in their children’s classrooms and curricula. These observations gave them concrete examples to discuss with their kids. Through classroom-volunteering, for instance, moms saw that teachers were “treating kids of color differently [and] disciplining them differently” (Heidi) and used their evolving race-related knowledge to explain to their kids that “the teachers are probably having unconscious bias in the classroom” (Audrey). 

(3) Moms strategically cultivated activities for their kids that de-centered whiteness or sought to advance racial equity. Moms joined antiracist community organizations and “racial equity teams” at their churches or synagogues, workplaces, or their kids’ schools, and would bring their kids to organization events, as well as marches/protests, whenever possible. These events served as natural conversation-starters, as Gabby explained: “It’s really easy to just invite conversation. We’ll go to things like protests, we’ll go to marches, so we’ll be surrounded by messages.” Getting involved in antiracist community coalitions also gave moms a sense of integrity to talk about racism with their kids. As Nadia explained:

I feel like if you aren’t doing anything it can be hard to talk about…it can be a little embarrassing [to say] like about race, “I should be making sure things are fair” but like not reading or doing anything actively…having even the small tiny thing that I’m doing…helps me feel empowered to talk about it more.

Culturally, dads don’t face the same intensive parenting pressure that moms do. Perhaps as a result, the dads in our study didn’t pursue the same level of racial re-education that moms did; they didn’t look for everyday examples of racism and inequality in their kids’ classrooms or curricula; and they didn’t plan race-related activities for their children. Consequently, they felt ill-equipped and unprepared to initiate conversations about race/racism, commonly saying they “don’t know how” (Erik). They were also less comfortable discussing race because as Nadia described, it feels awkward and phony to preach one thing but practice another. Whereas moms’ antiracist intensive mothering prompted them to pursue personal- and community-level work aimed at social change, dads weren’t “in the mud doing this type of stuff” (Miller), so they felt “bad and uncomfortable” (Jacob) talking about racism. As Jacob explained, “We don’t like to say we’re the foot on the neck of people who are different from us.”

Because dads were ill-equipped and uncomfortable initiating conversations proactively, they took a more passive approach. They were willing to answer their kids’ questions when asked but believed their kids should “dictate how much information they want” (Frank) and “tell you what they need to know” (Daniel). In other words, they looked to kids to instigate these conversations.

However, since moms had already established a communication line and demonstrated ongoing interest/knowledge about race, kids logically brought any questions about race to their moms instead of their dads. Together, moms’ proactive approach, dads’ passive approach, and kids’ response to this contrast created a reciprocal cycle that allowed race to become a “Mom topic” within these white families.

Why does it matter if antiracism is primarily moms’ domain? We suspect that gendered divisions of labor threaten the sustainability of antiracist parenting practices.

Norms of colorblindness and white silence are hard to break in white families, and new habits are even harder to maintain (and encourage kids to practice) if one parent is still practicing old ones. While there can certainly be “racism without racists,” white people also have significant agency in reducing racism, and white parents have an important part to play. Parents of color have always talked to their children about race and racism, because they do not have the privilege to remain silent. It’s time for more white moms and dads to follow suit and start talking with their white kids about these issues too.

Reilly Kincaid is a PhD Candidate at Purdue University. Her research focuses on family, gender, work, and social inequalities. You can follow her on Twitter/X at @ReillyKincaid.

Megan R. Underhill is an associate professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina Asheville where she teaches and researches about race and racism among white Americans. You can follow her on Twitter/X at @Soc_Seeker.