{"id":34580,"date":"2011-04-10T11:39:21","date_gmt":"2011-04-10T16:39:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/?p=34580"},"modified":"2013-11-11T03:39:35","modified_gmt":"2013-11-11T08:39:35","slug":"whats-wrong-with-being-a-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/2011\/04\/10\/whats-wrong-with-being-a-man\/","title":{"rendered":"What’s Wrong With Being a “Man”?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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\nIn this TED video<\/a> sent in by BlackCat and Chana Messinger, Tony Porter gives a nice introduction to what it means — for men, women, sons, and daughters — that men are confined by the dictates of masculinity. \u00a0(Trigger warning: at about the 9 minute mark, there is a story about a sexual assault.)<\/p>\n

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Transcript after the jump (thanks to DECIUS for posting it in the comments).<\/p>\n

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I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating \u2014 no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger \u2014 and definitely no fear \u2014 that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior, women are inferior; that men are strong, women are weak; that women are of less value \u2014 property of men \u2014 and objects, particularly sexual objects. I\u2019ve later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the \u201cman box.\u201d See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there\u2019s some stuff that\u2019s just straight up twisted. And we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.<\/p>\n

This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They\u2019re 11 and 12. Kendall\u2019s 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife, her name is Tammie, and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn\u2019t matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy\u2019s got you. That\u2019s all that\u2019s important.<\/p>\n

Now Kendall on the other hand \u2014 and like I said, he\u2019s only 15 months older than her \u2014 he came to me crying, it\u2019s like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, \u201cWhy are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what\u2019s wrong. Tell me what\u2019s wrong. I can\u2019t understand you. Why are you crying?\u201d And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, \u201cJust go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a \u2013\u201d What? (Audience: Man.) \u201clike a man.\u201d And he\u2019s five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, \u201cMy God, what\u2019s wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I this?\u201d And I think back. I think back to my father.<\/p>\n

There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time. And the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine. And no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn\u2019t want cry in front of me. But he knew he wasn\u2019t going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who, 10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground \u2014 something I just can\u2019t even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me. And at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.<\/p>\n

I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12 year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, \u201cHow would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?\u201d Now I expected him to say something like, I\u2019d be sad, I\u2019d be mad, I\u2019d be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me \u2014 the boy said to me, \u201cIt would destroy me.\u201d And I said to myself, \u201cGod, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?\u201d<\/p>\n

(Applause)<\/p>\n

It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner-city. At this time we\u2019re living in the Bronx. And in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old \u2014 younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, \u201cWhat is this 16 year-old boy doing with these 12 year-old boys?\u201d And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn\u2019t on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I\u2019ve got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude. He was cool. He was fine. That\u2019s what the sisters said, \u201cHe was fine.\u201d He was having sex. We all looked up to him.<\/p>\n

So one day, I\u2019m out in front of the house doing something \u2014 just playing around, doing something \u2014 I don\u2019t know what. He looks out his window, he calls me upstairs, he said, \u201cHey Anthony.\u201d They called my Anthony growing up as a kid. \u201cHey Anthony, come on upstairs.\u201d Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, \u201cDo you want some?\u201d Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, do you want some meant one of two things, sex or drugs \u2014 and we weren\u2019t doing drugs. Now my box, card, man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don\u2019t talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we\u2019ve been having sex since we were two. There ain\u2019t no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn\u2019t tell him is that I didn\u2019t want any. That\u2019s even worse. We\u2019re supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.<\/p>\n

Anyway, so I couldn\u2019t tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short. I just simply said to Johnny, \u201cYes.\u201d He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She\u2019s 16 years old. She\u2019s nude. She\u2019s what I know today to be mentally ill, higher functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice\u2019s-worth of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.<\/p>\n

So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I\u2019m petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can\u2019t bust in the room and see that I\u2019m not doing anything. And I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I\u2019m no longer trying to figure out what I\u2019m going to do, I\u2019m trying to figure out how I\u2019m going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room. And lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there\u2019s a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor\u2019s office. And they asked me how was it. And I say to them, \u201cIt was good.\u201d And I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.<\/p>\n

Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn\u2019t get caught, but I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear getting outside the man box totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.<\/p>\n

See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we\u2019re very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can\u2019t happen without it. So we\u2019re very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men\u2019s violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.<\/p>\n

So quickly, I\u2019d like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her, how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men \u2014 that it\u2019s okay to not be dominating, that it\u2019s okay to have feelings and emotions, that it\u2019s okay to promote equality, that it\u2019s okay to have women who are just friends and that\u2019s it, that it\u2019s okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.<\/p>\n

I remember asking a nine year-old boy. I asked a nine year-old boy, \u201cWhat would life be like for you, if you didn\u2019t have to adhere to this man box?\u201d He said to me, \u201cI would be free.\u201d<\/p>\n

Thank you folks.<\/p>\n

(Applause)<\/p><\/blockquote>\nLisa Wade, PhD<\/a> is an Associate Professor at Tulane University. She is the author of <\/em>American Hookup<\/a>, a book about college sexual culture; a textbook about gender<\/a>; and a forthcoming introductory text: <\/em>Terrible Magnificent Sociology<\/a>.\u00a0You can follow her on Twitter<\/a> and Instagram<\/a>.<\/em><\/span>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In this TED video sent in by BlackCat and Chana Messinger, Tony Porter gives a nice introduction to what it means — for men, women, sons, and daughters — that men are confined by the dictates of masculinity. \u00a0(Trigger warning: at about the 9 minute mark, there is a story about a sexual assault.) Transcript […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":51,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[55,2087],"class_list":["post-34580","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-gender","tag-gender-masculinity"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34580","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/51"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34580"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34580\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":58932,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34580\/revisions\/58932"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34580"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34580"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/socimages\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34580"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}