{"id":2584,"date":"2021-11-23T07:00:38","date_gmt":"2021-11-23T13:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/?p=2584"},"modified":"2021-10-08T13:22:23","modified_gmt":"2021-10-08T18:22:23","slug":"10-common-mistakes-therapists-make-with-estranged-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/2021\/11\/23\/10-common-mistakes-therapists-make-with-estranged-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Common Mistakes Therapists Make With Estranged Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Image by pasja1000<\/a> from Pixabay<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Reposted with permission from Psychology Today<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

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  1. Blaming the parent.\u00a0<\/strong>While it\u2019s potentially forgivable that the general populace doesn\u2019t yet know that a decent and dedicated parent can become estranged, there\u2019s no excuse for a therapist failing to know that. Many therapists, without evidence, assume that the parent is the primary cause of an estrangement and as a result, perpetuate feelings of\u00a0shame<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0guilt<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  2. Not helping the parent acknowledge the legitimate complaints of the adult child.<\/strong>\u00a0On the other hand, some therapists believe that it\u2019s their job to support the parent no matter how problematic their behavior. In doing so, they fail to challenge the parent\u2019s behavior that either led to the estrangement or continues to perpetuate it.<\/li>\n
  3. Giving bad advice.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s not uncommon for therapists to encourage estranged parents to be overly\u00a0assertive<\/a>\u00a0or confrontive with their estranged adult children. This advice imagines that the parent has more power and influence than they commonly do once an estrangement is in place. Therapists with this orientation fail to recognize that being more assertive and confrontive with an estranged adult child typically worsens, rather than betters the parent\u2019s situation. It causes the adult child to feel hurt or misunderstood and to further their resolve to keep their distance.<\/li>\n
  4. Failing to understand the power of a letter of amends to the estranged adult child.<\/strong>\u00a0The road to a potential reconciliation almost always starts with the parent\u2019s acknowledgment of their past mistakes, however small. Therapists who don\u2019t help their clients find the kernel of truth in the estranged child\u2019s complaints miss a critical and often necessary opportunity for repair.<\/li>\n
  5. Being too reassuring.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s common that not only friends but therapists are overly reassuring about the chance for a future reconciliation: \u201cThey\u2019ll be back;\u201d \u201cThey\u2019ll remember all that you\u2019ve done for them;\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s just a phase.\u201d While sometimes those predictions are accurate, no one knows for sure if or when an estrangement will end. False reassurance is no assurance at all. Better to help the client practice radical acceptance and self-compassion.<\/li>\n
  6. Failing to take an adequate history of the parent and their estranged child.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s inappropriate to give advice to an estranged parent without first getting a detailed developmental history of the parent and of the now-grown child. Otherwise, a therapist wouldn\u2019t be able to determine the influence of parental mistakes or the influence of long-standing issues in the child such as learning disabilities, mental illness,\u00a0addiction<\/a>, or other challenges.<\/li>\n
  7. Failing to understand the power of a motivated son-in-law or daughter-in-law.\u00a0<\/strong>The troubled spouse of an adult child can create an estrangement where one wouldn\u2019t ordinarily exist by saying, \u201cChoose them or me.”<\/li>\n
  8. Failing to understand the long-term impact and damage of\u00a0parental alienation<\/a><\/strong>. Parental alienation often begins when children are young, though alienation can occur at any age. Either way, research shows that the damage may be lifelong to both the targeted parent and the alienated child. Therapists who are unfamiliar with these realities may damage the\u00a0self-esteem<\/a>\u00a0of their clients and fail to provide them with an accurate understanding of the etiology of the problems. In addition, they may provide strategies and interventions that are counter to what is likely to increase the chance of a reconciliation.<\/li>\n
  9. Being unwilling to interview people related to the estrangement.<\/strong>\u00a0Sometimes a 360-degree view is required before the right intervention is discovered. This may mean interviewing aunts, uncles, grandparents, or even ex-spouses to determine what steps need to be put in place to maximize the chance of a potential reconciliation.<\/li>\n
  10. Not being willing to reach out to the estranged adult child.<\/strong>\u00a0While the estranged child may be unwilling to talk to the parent, they are often willing to provide the parent\u2019s therapist with information about their perspective that can prove critical to a potential reconciliation.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Joshua Coleman, Ph.D.,<\/strong>\u00a0is a psychologist in San Francisco and Oakland. He is also a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His book,\u00a0The Rules of Estrangement<\/a>\u00a0was published by Penguin\/Random House in 2020.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Reposted with permission from Psychology Today Blaming the parent.\u00a0While it\u2019s potentially forgivable that the general populace doesn\u2019t yet know that a decent and dedicated parent can become estranged, there\u2019s no excuse for a therapist failing to know that. Many therapists, without evidence, assume that the parent is the primary cause of an estrangement and as […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2095,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[61,8962],"class_list":["post-2584","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-intergenerational-relationships","tag-parents"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2584","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2095"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2584"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2584\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2700,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2584\/revisions\/2700"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2584"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2584"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thesocietypages.org\/ccf\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2584"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}