Do you get it now?

If you think “ableist” is a “revolting shutdown term,” there’s two possibilities:

You don’t think hatred and devaluation of people with disabilities is real (in which case, trying looking around you, or, you know, *reading the article above you*)

or, you think it’s justified.

Which one is it?

When you mention mental illness, you are presuming that all the parents of disabled children who consider such drastic actions are mentally ill, and unless you knew them personally, that may not be the case. When i got help, i was never diagnosed with a mental illness of any kind. I wasn’t depressed. A person can become deeply frazzled and irrational without having a specific mental illness. I just needed support and hope.

The same goes for when you mention misogyny, and how mothers are judged harshly for not being self sacrificing and perfect. That is true, but it’s NOT what was bothering me by any means. I never felt persecuted or judged. It wasn’t even that i find taking care of my son extremely difficult, he doesn’t have behavioral problems. All of my main fear and stress was based around the fact that my son is vulnerable, and will always be reliant on others for getting through life, in a world where it’s not always safe to be vulnerable, not knowing what would happen to him if i weren’t around. I’m 59, he’s 27, and i’m not getting any younger. It’s not about me, i’m an independent person who never cared much about what others thought of me, but with my son, it’s completely different. I feel much more protective of him, because i know he needs that protection. I wouldn’t be looking after him if i didn’t love him, i could easily put him in a care home if i wanted to, and never think about him again. But i DO NOT want to, the very idea makes me shudder in fact.

I don’t judge parents who kill their children and themselves in the slightest, my son and i were nearly one of them ourselves. But you are actually being just as judgmental about other people you don’t know when you make presumptions. You don’t know what Elizabeth Hodgins was thinking any more than the ignorant people who criticized her, which means you don’t know why she did it, or if she was mentally ill. You make it sound like the parents of these children are merely thinking about their own stress. I can assure you that is not how i felt, and i would hate to think that anyone thought i basically resented my son. It couldn’t be further from the truth. There are many things in life we can’t be sure of, but one thing i know, with absolute 100% certainty, is that i would never turn my back on my son, and our relationship will never be strained, the you and your mothers relationship apparently has.

You may never read this, but if you or anyone else does, i hope you realize that despite your being sympathetic and understanding, which is a good thing, making presumptions about the parents feelings and intentions can be just as false and damaging as the people on the opposite side who are too harsh and judgmental.

It seems as though the definition of ‘self-advocacy’ is conflated with ‘capable of functioning in a capitalist society without [undue] assistance from others.’

This equates to (for example) a friend who, while requiring assistive technology, can hold down skilled technical employment and live independently. He has no cognitive or non-neurotypical morphology. He would, under this definition, be considered capable of ‘self-advocacy.’

Contrast this with the view of disabled people grouped into ‘people who are non neurotypical or who have morphological or cognitive deficits which require assistance around the clock.’ This fits another friend who has severe CP, who is nonetheless a talented writer and advocate. Despite her intelligence and capability, her CP has led her to be utterly dismissed because she can not (for example) work without another human assisting her, and so any advocacy she has seems to be considered (by employers, caseworkers, etc) as indelibly colored by her experience (she’s got limited life experience because of physical limitations). So often, her desire to advocate for herself is dismissed because, in the eyes of the people around her, she lacks sufficient experience to be capable of making viable statements regarding her needs.- in other words, incapable of self-advocacy.

So I think we need to define what ‘self-advocacy’ actually means – is it the cognitive capacity to assess one’s situation and communicate it in a coherent fashion? Is it that ability conflated with sufficient ‘real-world’ experience because one’s body allows for interaction in the world which approximates what ‘physical mean’ would experience?

Not to be insulting, but I can see a need for third-party advocacy (and its expression, assistance) across the spectrum of disability simply because being disabled exacts a cost in time and energy, and the advocate may be able to provide services which allow the disabled person to spend their energy in ways which advance their goals.

Where people are clearly unable to advocate for themselves (as in demonstrable deficits), there’s power of attorney – and that’s a rather large step for anyone, as it surrenders autonomy rather broadly.

Ultimately, maybe it’s about listening to people and seeing what they want and think, and level-setting based on that…..novel idea, to actually do that, in the US.

And why is it offensive to compare non-disabled people with those who are, in your words, ‘retarded’?

I’m disabled; the last psychiatrist I saw labelled me as learning disabled (that’s ‘retarded’ in your language). So it would be offensive to compare you to me?

One of the hardest things I face every day is the knowledge that the world is made up of people like you who believe I am subhuman. Nothing I say or do can change that; the moment you know my diagnosis, it’s over. I’ve devoted my career to helping other people, but you are offended by my existence. I wish I could say I didn’t care, but your type of prejudice has a direct effect on my life.