you’re pretty…
your pretty feet…

I think it deserves mention that a hell of a lot of us grow up with the message that the “appropriate” way to compliment a woman is on her beauty. When I observe parents with their daughters – mothers and fathers alike – I’m always stunned by how much time the majority of them spend cooing over their beauty. While adults tend to encourage many different qualities with boys – their intelligence, strength, or bravado – we constantly reinforce with girls that they should aspire to be valued for their beauty. In this context, it’s not inconceivable that men will come into adolescence rigged with the idea that a woman’s greatest aspiration is to be beautiful.

Later in life, what word do mothers, fathers, husbands, and wedding guests invariably use to describe a bride on her big day? Well, it’s certainly not “fascinating” or “awesome.” I don’t honestly believe that most men are aware of how loaded it can be to focus attention on a woman’s appearance – the pervasive sexism makes the act of saying “you’re pretty” seem almost neutral. But contextually, it’s much different to say such a thing when responding to a personals ad – in which someone has selectively submitted personal information and photographs expressly for the reactions and judgments of others – versus on the street, where no one has consented to being verbally sized up by strangers.

“Sexy” is loaded in a whole other way – it instantly and intentionally implies that the speaker is looking for easy sex, and it doesn’t leave anything to work with if the feeling isn’t fully mutual. Male or female, we only want to be called sexy by the people we hope to have sex with.

Though I doubt it’s your intention, I’m not sure if your comments on gay communities are much different than some of the usual cliches mouthed by various homophobic lobbies. Gay or straight, conventionally pretty or not, almost everyone experiences a lot of difficulty forming lasting relationships, but gay people in most of the world have a pretty overwhelming and unique set of barriers against the community, family, and legal support that heterosexual couples take for granted. Best to get rid of those extraneous variables before drawing conclusions about why our relationships don’t appear to last (never mind that we’re far less likely to find long-term partnerships and forays into meat markets to be mutually exclusive!).

Maybe we find it rude to be approached on the street and complemented because it is a purely selfish act on the part of the guy. It doesn’t suggest that he wants the woman to think she is pretty. It suggests that he wants her to, in a split second,

1) asses that he is not a threat to her physically
2) give him control of her ability to find a mate
3) confirm that he is indeed the “alpha” male
4) stroke his pride
5) forfeit her own pride
6) and sacrifice her standards and beliefs for the sake of the man’s ego. Because, honestly, anyone who makes judgments about others in a split second must have no standards.

Obviously it’s rude to expect anyone to sacrifice so much, even if you’ve known them for a long time, not to mention just a second. So any person with self respect will not respond to being approached on the street.

Also, Andrew –
“A woman’s job is in the public eye..she in fact is a model..and is paid to look (gah) “hot” So when a dude in fact says you are so hot and pretty… She is taken to believe she is doing a good job no?”

I would disagree that it always makes a girl “feel good” to do what she should be doing in the opinion of the public. Instead, a girl who is smart will care only about the opinions of those who will treat her well. That’s what makes it even more unacceptable for random guys to make physical compliments about someone. If it is a person you don’t know at all, you have no way of knowing if that person is even safe to know or talk to, or is interesting, or fun, or violent, etc. That’s probably why girls respond better to someone who is obviously trying to get to know them a little. It gives the girl time to judge whether that person is a threat to them or is gentle or whatever…and even if she makes the wrong decision, at least she’s minimized that risk. So even if she just wants a fling or a weekend of fun or whatever, she wants to know that the person she’s hooking up with isn’t a fucking creeper.

That’s why internet dating sucks, cause it’s a lot harder to judge those things online…and real life meeting and dating is head and shoulders above because it allows for some forsight if either of the people want it.

I mean, even just on the pure basis of looks – if a girl goes out seeking a date, shouldn’t she care more about whether she thinks the dude’s good looking than about what he thinks of her? It takes a seriously insecure person to date someone who finds them attractive but who they find unattractive (or even mildly attractive). This is just another case of disproportionate stress being put on the woman’s looks than the man’s.

And i think a lot of this applies to gay couples too…the meat market thing makes it really hard to form lasting relationships…it’s really sad, the physical standards that guys are held to in gay communities…

I’m also pretty shocked that Sociological Images didn’t point out this blatant absence in their post. :/

Is this a good thing? If men preferred women who engaged in self-effacement, wouldn’t we chastise them for wanting a meek and timid woman?