Stephen W.‘s nine-year-old daughter unwittingly received the My Life video game for Christmas (if you click on that link, be prepared for LOUD ANNOYING music).  We’ve featured a few grow-your-girl-up-into-a-shallow-bimbo-quick stuff on the blog recently (see here, here, and here for starters), but I felt this deserved a post nonetheless.  And, while it may be possible that I’m just getting old and going through a “kids these days” phase, I think it’s also possible (though I have yet to see systematic evidence), that the way in which young girls are encouraged to be both sexual and stupid is new.  I mean, certainly it’s nothing new that girls are expected to be pretty and passive to attract a husband, but the idea that girls should play up their sexuality and be actively shallow seems like a whole other thing.  (Or maybe I’m falling victim to the repressive hypothesis that Foucault exposed… but that’s certainly for another post.)  In any case…

My Life.  Here’s how you play.

You live at home and are in secondary (I’m assuming) school.  You have to balance tasks like taking care of a pet, schoolwork, asking your dad for money, gossiping, meeting your girlfriends for lunch, shopping, helping your mom in the kitchen (while your dad spends time in the living room), and dating, of course. 

Here’s how you know you won the game:

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  You get to pick what you look like and how you dress.  Here’s your bedroom:

Here’s your mom and dad:

Here’s the bitchy girl that will try to steal your boyfriend:

Sigh.

There are a selection of boys you can date.  One of them looks like the typical heartthrob that you’d expect in this game.  He’s white.  He’s blonde.  His proportions are completely different than everyone else’s; he’s much more chiseled.  He’s a “star.”  “HE COULD BECOME YOUR BOYFRIEND!”

The others are, um, black (and in a track suit!) or appear to be full-grown men:  

Check out Ray and Teddy in action:

But what luck!  You get to decide which one to date!  Do you pick the statuesque blond?  The black kid?  Or a pedophile?

I didn’t see any punishments or validations for which boy you choose, so I guess the game doesn’t include lessons as to whether or not you should piss off your parents (by dating the black kid) or date the creepy guy that trolls teen hangouts and asks girls to have romantic dinners (yep, Ray does indeed ask her on a romantic dinner).  But there were other lessons in the game for sure:

1.  Look good.

2.  Have a boyfriend.

3.  Don’t be “a know it all” or “unbearable.”

To sum it up.  It’s so hard being a tween today.  School is so demanding, your Dad’s a tight wad, and your Mom has a perpetual need for help in the kitchen.  Plus there are black kids, old guys, and sluts trying to get between you and Leo!  It’s all you can do to keep your hair brushed!

Available at Walmart and Toys ‘R Us!

From our archives: women are catty (see here and here)!

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