marriage

Relating Radically

RELATING RADICALLY: Polygamy in Utah and the Right to Privacy

Avory Faucette on July 31, 2011
Okay folks, it’s time to put on my legal hat.

I recently came across a case that brings up some really interesting questions about law, feminism, and relationships, and I’d like to share some of the issues with you.  This is a case about marriage, sort of, but not same-sex marriage.  It’s a case about a law that interferes with privacy in the bedroom, but it’s not a sodomy law.  It’s a case that’s going to make the parade of horrible folks really, really nervous.

The case in question involves a polygamous family suing the state of Utah in hopes that an anti-bigamy law will be overturned.  This family isn’t asking for the right to legal marriage, but rather that the state not interfere in their personal relationships by making an additional purported marriage or marriage-like relationship illegal when someone is already legally married.

When we think about privacy law, we think about rights to do things versus freedoms from government intervention.  The latter are usually easier to claim, because they require no resources.  The government just has to stay out.  If it doesn’t have some compelling state interest that allows for intervention, then we end up with a result similar to Lawrence v. Texas (2003), which is the case being used as precedent here to challenge the Utah law.

Of course, feminist lawyers and legal activists tend to have some difficulties when polygamy gets involved, and understandably so.  I’ve seen several recent feminist critiques of polygamy, pointing to its misogynist history and relationship with the Mormon church.  But this isn’t the only context for polygamous or polyamorous relationships.  In my opinion, the government has no business regulating relationships between consenting adults when those adults are making no claims to legal rights based on the relationship.

There is no one true feminist position when it comes to what relationships should be “allowed,” but I tend to believe that one of the most important tenets of feminism is the freedom to develop relationships in whatever way one chooses.  There are many polyamorous feminists, just like there are many queer feminists, many religious feminists, many married feminists and unmarried feminists and child-free feminists and feminists with children.  There are all sorts of way to create a family outside those that are legally recognized and supported.  The lead counsel in this case has it right when he describes the irrational way we pick and choose among those family types to determine public policy and law.

Eventually, I hope that the legal recognition scheme for marriage will become more sensible, but until that point, I hope that cases like this one succeed.  At the very least, adults should be able to form relationships in whatever way they choose, and cement those relationships with religious ceremonies, cohabitation, or whatever else they feel is appropriate.  Utah is simply out of line.

Why Mistresses Talk And Wives Don’t

Shira Tarrant on December 7, 2009

With Tiger Woods in the news for this latest round of Very-Public-Infidelity, guest blogger Ebony A. Utley weighs in with her expertise on the issue. A research expert on marital infidelity, Utley confronts common stereotypes and raises questions about cheating, talking, silence, and power.

The proverbial cats are out of the bag as the tabloid media collect stories from Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses. The mistresses are increasingly chatty — talking about “I was with Tiger here” and “he left me a voicemail there.” Woods is busy denying what he can and apologizing for what he can’t while Mrs. Woods remains silent.

None of this is unusual. With a slew of high-profile unfaithful men in the news lately, it’s hard not to notice a pattern. These men haven’t come out in public to say, “I had inappropriate sexual relations outside my relationship” without first facing an impeachment trial, sexual-assault accusations, blackmail threats, texts, sexts, voicemails … you get the picture.  Rarely have these men come clean without some sort of provocation.  Often, famous unfaithful men confess to their infidelity because the other woman beat him to it.

Mistresses are notorious for telling their side of the story because the world wants to hear it. The sex secrets of sexy women are titillating. Be honest with yourself. You wanted to know whether Tiger’s mistresses were prettier than his wife. Some of you readers out there also wanted to know whether she looked like she was better at sex than the wife. Admit it. Those are our society’s infidelity stereotypes. The other woman had to be offering something that the wife did not.

The wife wasn’t giving it up. Or if she was, her sex was boring.
The wife let herself go.
The wife was too invested in the kids.
The wife didn’t (emotionally) support her man.
The wife was emasculating.
The wife was never around.

Mistresses are quick to perpetuate these stereotypes, but the husbands are quick to offer their wives $4 million diamond rings and $80 million prenup revisions.  If the wives were such horrible people, why dish out all the cash to keep them? Since the husband can no longer keep the mistress quiet, is he buying his wife’s silence? I don’t think so. Men who cheat on their wives rarely want to leave them; usually they’re genuinely sorry. The silence on the wives part is not about his money. It’s about power.

A mistress has power because she is the secret. She is the one tasked with being discreet. Once the secret is out, the mistress loses her power. She scrambles to get it back with revealing details, but the more she talks, the more her power diminishes. People know who she is, where she was, what she did, how she did it, and who else she did it with. Once the prurient details are all out there, people are free to pass judgment on the mistress and she rapidly moves from sexy story to object of public scrutiny to obscurity.

But the wife who refuses to talk gains power. Now she is the one deciding to be discreet.  No one knows what she’s thinking and everyone wants to. Did she know?  Did she have a revenge affair? Why didn’t she leave him? Does she love him that much? How is she going to spend those millions? The quieter she remains, the more dignity that wife regains.  Long after we’ve forgotten the mistress’ name and the seedy motels and the racy voicemails, the silent wife is still standing in the spotlight with an air of mystery about her. We might not understand her, but her secrets are the ones that garner respect. The most understated gift a chatty mistress gives to the wife is power.


Ebony A. Utley, Ph.D. is an expert in infidelity. She is currently writing about her interviews with wives who have experienced infidelity during their marriages. See more of her research at http://www.theutleyexperience.com/