I never thought I’d find myself saying something this banal here on Girl w/Pen, but a certain double stroller has changed my life. A stylish red and black jogging stroller came into my life three weeks ago as a gift from my parents. It was a mercy gift, intended to replace the clunky Double Snap N Go babytrain I had lugged through snow and ice. Now, I can venture into stores without knocking clothing racks down! Now, I can exercise in the park! I feel giddy, the way one might when one unexpectedly finds herself the owner of a shiny red Ferrari. After all that time spent immobile, Mama’s got wheels.
But I think I’m moving too fast. Like many new mothers my generation who’ve found themselves quickly back at work, both because the work is compelling and because Daddy’s been downsized, I’m always in a rush.
The other day, while pushing the jog stroller with one hand I dropped (and shattered) my iPhone. I’ve been nagging my husband and fighting with my mother. I’ve choked more than a few times on food. Starting a company at the same time that I’ve started motherhood, I’ve been racing, a bit, through my life.
The new stroller liberated me from a prolonged state of physical frozenness. But now I want to liberate me from myself. This perpetual feeling of precarious haste–like I’m sure to get smacked by a bus if I don’t look both ways when rushing across the street–is exhausting. I thought motherhood might be a vacation from my own professional intensity or rather, my intensity as a professional. Instead, it’s only intensified the race.
So here I am, turning to this column, and to my She Writes on Fridays column over at She Writes, as a way to slow it all down. I want to savor motherhood. I want to savor the process of starting a wonderful company with a fellow mother of two little ones who is genuinely sympathetic but who is also my sister in ambition and drive. We want to do our company differently. The question is, given our own intensity, given the needs of the marketplace, will we be able to live that different dream?
Obviously, I’m not alone. As Judith Warner wrote recently in a forum about motherhood at the New York Times, my generation doesn’t revel in the new possibilities of motherhood today, largely because the promises of feminism have time and again come up against a wall of political impossibility. In an absence of family-friendly social policies, she rightly insists, “[o]ur much-vaunted ‘choices’…have largely proven hollow.” This past month, a hard-charging woman I hold dear, someone who needs to work, quit a job she loved rather than keep her baby in daycare. It broke my heart to hear it. But truly, what choice did she have?
We have a remarkable choice and opportunity, with She Writes, a woman-owned company, to live a more manageable work/life equation. Eventually, we will get there. But in the meantime, I will bet you my new stroller that my partner and I will continue to rev it up even as we work toward slowing it all down.
Comments
Alison — April 5, 2010
I hear you. I'm fortunate to have a job with great flexibility, but even so it's incredibly difficult to find good childcare that we can afford. But for me personally, I know that I am a better mom if I'm working. I go too fast, try to cram too much into the day, and regularly guilt-trip myself all over the place--but I'm not good at being a stay at home parent for long. I LOVE it for short periods, though.
gwp_admin — April 5, 2010
Your post really resonates with me. I don't want to make generalizations, but the sociologist in me is always looking for trends: it seems like there are a lot of us (GenX- feminist- working moms) who find ourselves caught in this bind. It's vital (though by no means easy) that we figure out how to stop feeling guilty about needing and/or wanting to compartmentalize. And, when we're slicing up that proverbial pie chart of life, we have to remember not just to divide our time and energy between work and family but also to save at least a little for our own, personal health and wellbeing.
gwp_admin — April 5, 2010
It's hard to slow down when the pace of work AND life has speeded up faster than the fanciest strollers. Reading your post reminds me of how much has changed in just the past decade : eleven and 1/2 years ago, when my first child was born, I don't think I even had a cellphone yet! In those first years of his life, I was finishing my dissertation, and then teaching part time--but I wasn't constantly bombarded by the bling of a blackberry. When I was at the playground with my toddlers, I may have stashed a book in the bottom of the stroller (and occasionally stole a few minutes to read) but I wasn't distracted with constant thoughts or pressures of work. Now that every spare moment can be productive with our smart phones in tow, it is harder to slow it all down and savor the moments with our kids. Or just talk with them, smell the flowers (literally!) or watch them play in the sandbox. In order connect with our families we have to disconnect from the blogs and blackberries and facebook pages long enough to create meaningful interactions. This is NOT easy to do--and of course, as kids grow they want their own screen time, too. Not being a slave to technology takes a lot of vigilance and effort. We have to put up our own time boundaries and compartmentalize our lives so we aren't consumed by the never-ending demands of work and life in the 21st century....
gwp_admin — April 5, 2010
don't know why the above posts say "admin"....previous post by Lori Rotskoff
gwp_admin — April 6, 2010
Alison, I'm so with you on the working-makes-me-better-at-momming front and wouldn't have it any other way; it's interesting to be at this point after having read about it for so long. But also interesting -- as in frustrating -- that my dilemmas are so common they're almost cliche. Adina: personal wellbeing? Wha's that again? Kidding. Sort of. Thank you for the reminder. Cuz I need that! And Lori, my iPhone IS part of the problem at the same time that it is the solution. I couldn't agree more. Thank you for putting it in that context. The invasion of the iPhone into the sandbox! You've said it so well in your comment.
Deborah Siegel — April 7, 2010
Comments via Facebook:
Tish Lane Jenkins: When you figure out how to make it work, let me know! I'm convinced that parenting and working aren't mutually exclusive but doing them both fully and well is a challenge for anyone without a household staff of chauffers, cooks, laundresses, butlers, and personal assistants. The early years are tough, the teen years are tough, but they really are all wonderful and awe-inspiring as we see what we are creating!
Busy Lane Zachar: It's tough. When I wasn't "working" (outside the home, earning a salary), I never felt I had enough time and was always rushed. Leaving my coffee on top of my car, losing my phone (in my living room loveseat), etc. Now that I'm gone from home and the boys well more than 40 hrs a week, I am even more rushed. The day before leaving for vacation, I was litereally RUNNING as I was doing my errands. For the birds, I say. I am sorry to say I don't know a single mom who has "figured it out". And, I can vouch for how a good stroller can change your world! just ry your best to enjoy the ride!
xo
Tish Lane Jenkins: Yeah, Deb. Enjoy the ride! Get Marco to push you around in that fancy stroller!!!!
Leslie Heywood: Your post reflects the fundamental ambivalence characteristic of the sped-up hyperreal of consumer capitalism--we view each next thing as a way to slow down, but each thing only adds to the speed. We keep trying to find the human--the biological time scale in the midst of tech time. But all of our individual struggles are symptomatic of these larger forces. It's not you! We're all engaged in this compromise between individual needs/desires and the larger structure within which those are organized and negotiated . . .I'm not sure there's an answer, only small steps, like prioritizing what is most important to you and letting the rest go.
Tish Lane Jenkins Ah yes... I remember when they first gave us laptops at work (okay, so I date myself). At first, I loved it... till I realized they were now eking even more hours out of me. Same with Blackberries, iPhones.I've tried to get better at leaving work at work, but not always possible.
Rebecca — April 9, 2010
On the outside, it looks like you've got it all -- a flexible job, a helpful husband, kids not in daycare 40 hrs/wk. But, for me, I see all kinds of jobs not done. I can't be available to my kids as much as they want ("Why can't you drive on the field trip Mommy? Or even worse, "Why can't you come to my performance?"). And I constantly feel like I'd be doing a better job with my career if I invested more time into it (maybe those last two article rejections would have been acceptances if I'd been really paying attention?). It's hard to do it all. And it's hard to accept not doing it all.